Hail To The Chief

(Explanatory Note: I was thinking about the upcoming Inauguration next week during the down times up in the Bull Run. And I got to thinking, okay, wiseguy, what would YOU say if YOU were getting sworn in on Tuesday?

So - here's what:)

FDChief's First Inaugural Address:

My fellow Americans, guests of all ages and all the ships at sea. Good evening.

I’m sure you’re all well aware of the freakish circumstances that have elevated me to this, the chief executive position of this land. I see no purpose in revisiting the events of the past week, save to say that I personally don’t believe in the whole “Rapture” thing. Fourth Dimension, maybe. Whatever.

Enough bloviation. You probably want to get back to your regularly scheduled network reality shows, and I don’t have all night, either, for reasons I’ll get to. So let’s get you the skinny on my programs and policies for the next four years, okay? That’s why you’re listening, right?

Let’s start with our country and how we’re doing at home

What a fucking mess, eh?

Let’s face it, the economy is dropping like a stinking park pigeon full of rat poisoned birdseed and the only thing keeping us from all standing at the top of the freeway off-ramps with “Help Me I Beg You” cardboard signs is that the Chinese and the Europeans are still stupid enough to keep buying our T-bills. Shhhh! Don't tell 'em!

Not to mention that about two-thirds of the whole magilla was driven by you people buying big cars, disposable crap and mortgaging your house eight times to go to freaking DisneyWorld. And you expected the prices of that house, and your stocks, and your paycheck, to just keep on rising.

Sweet Baby Jesus, folks, were you smoking crack?

Add to that we’re spending fifty cents on the dollar on fancy war toys designed to defeat the Evil Empire that crashed and burned eighteen freaking years ago, and we have more bases in foreign countries than we have WalMart stores in Oklahoma. The fella who sat here last year got us into two, not one, mind you, but TWO land wars in Asia and put it all on our credit card. Why y’all didn’t impeach that nimrod I’ll never know. The only thing that asswhack didn't do was go in against a Sicilian when death was on the line. Y'all weren't paying attention, there, were ya? What were you thinking..?

(Long silence. Sighs, shakes head, looks up)

But the point is that we’re not looking good, people. And what can we do about that?

Okay, well, first, we need to get our fiscal house in order. And right now, that means we need to get more people back to work, get the economy moving again, and to do that we need to get more money into the bank so we can help pay for that.

So first off, I’m introducing legislation to return our basic tax rates to where they were in 1960. Quite the little engine of prosperity we were back in those days, eh? Those 70% marginal tax rates for you millionaires and billionaires? Welcome back, baby! Time to help repay your fellow citizens for all that filthy lucre you socked away when the GOP was your sugar daddy!

Oh, and thinking about the Bahamas? Nuh-uh, daddio. Included in the bill are provisions to make tax dodging a Federal felony, and to make inheritance, interest and dividend income taxable at the same rate as what us working stiffs make, plus making the full income of every American open to Social Security deduction. Why stop at the first hundred grand?

Those of you who are the beneficiaries of great wealth have great obligations to the society that nurtured you and provided you the opportunity to amass that wealth. You country needs that wealth to be strong: to educate the next generation of Americans, to build and repair our roads, and rails and airports. Think of it as your way of serving America like poor people do in the Army and Navy except you don’t have to eat Beef With Spiced Sauce or turn off the shower to soap up.

Oh, and Rush, Ann, Michelle, Michael, and all you other fatheaded shouters on the Right? Let’s get this straight. I know that y’all didn’t want to risk you precious butts in a uniform, either. But you served when you paid your taxes. And you need to start telling the other oxycontined fatheads who listen to you that paying their taxes is the privilege of a free citizen. ALL their taxes. Taxes are what builds our civilization, pays our cops and our soldiers, defends our borders. Any of you who pretends that this isn’t true is a lying wad of fuck. Oh, and a traitor, too. Not that I'm pointing at you litle weasels. Just sayin', is all.

And, by the way, speaking of the Army and Navy...we’ve gotta do something here, folks. Our worst enemy right now is some hypertrophic A-rab sitting on his raggedy ass in a cave in West Bumfuck, Pakistan, and yet we’re spending money buying high-speed weapons like a San Diego hooker going down on drunken sailors. Star Wars? Gimme a fuckin’ BREAK! Greedo did NOT shoot first and we do NOT need to spend fifty gazillion dollars on some pie-in-the-sky gimmick to shoot down nukes when three Saudis and a rental van can drive one across the border into Minnesota any November afternoon while the Border Patrol guy is parked at Skunk'y Bar in International Falls watching the Vikes lose again.

So right now I’d like to introduce my new nomination for Secretary of Defense. And yes, I see you, so you can stop making those faces, Jim. You’ve made a convincing case that you’re not some Secretary of DEE-fense and this ain’t no football game with ‘roid freaks slapping each other on the ass. What soldiers do is kill, and what killing is is war. So as of today we’re gonna have a War Department and he’s your new Secretary of War.

He’s right…yeah, that’s him. Wave to the nice people, Jim. We like to call him “Ranger Jim”, because he showers every week whether he needs it or not just like a good Ranger, unlike some other Special Forces types who’ve gone REAL troppo and just rub themselves with goddam wiki-wiki bark or some goofy shit like that.

My man Ranger does have another thing in common with the other Rangers – he puts lead on target. And I’ve told him I want him to go in and do two things.

First, he’s gonna get us a Geopolitical Strategy for the 21st Century. Reeeeal deep brain work. He’s gonna figure out who our likely potential enemies are, and then determine their Most Dangerous Courses of Action.

And second, when he and his people do that, we’re gonna start figuring out how to fight smart and lean. We’re gonna go in and make Donnie Rumsfeld look like Cherry Ames. From MRAPs to F-22s to aircraft carriers. I don’t care how cool they are; if they don’t help kill the enemy for a price we can afford, they’re gone.

Y’know what else is gone?

The goddam Air Force.

Yeah, sorry, wild blue yonder and all that. We’ve spent waaayyy too much jack on your damn heavy bombers trying to prove Billy Mitchell and that Eyetalian guy right. Time to come to our senses; airpower exists to, and needs to, serve land and seapower. You’ve had sixty years to prove your little “Victory Through Air Power” fantasy – time to shoot that toothless dog in the head.

The Army covers the land and the Navy the sea, ain’t nothing lives in the air but clouds and birdshit, guys. Navy gets the missiles, and the renewed Army Air Corps takes over the air transport, air superiority and tac air missions. I’m sure that any bluesuiters who want a job outside the AAC can look up the guys over at FedEx.

Oh. That reminds me; another thing that’s gone. Lobbyists. Yep. Look, I understand how important Boeing and Lockheed and Rayethon and Blackwater are to the well informed warporn nut and/or average reader of Soldier of Fortune magazine.

But, sorry, guys, you want to talk to your Congressman?

You’re gonna have to write him a letter just like the rest of us.

That’s right. The “My Government is NOT for Sale” bill I’ve kicked over to the Senate will, among other things, make it a federal Class I felony to knowingly influence, coerce, lobby, coax, tempt or seduce a Congressman other than for purely carnal motives. Hey! I’m not an unreasonable guy, and even a Congresscritter needs to get laid now and then. But those junkets to Rangoon? The golf vacations from those industrialists in your district? The plane rides from the nice man from Weyerhaeuser who wants you to vote for his fat contract? Ix-nay, sweetpea. You’re gonna start working for the People, not for the people who grease your palm.

Oh, and don’t you worry about those campaign contributions you’ll be missing, ‘cause right after the “John McCain Memorial Campaign Finance Act” passes all candidates will get free air and print time paid for by Uncle Sugar. And ONLY by Uncle Sugar. It’s time to quit kidding ourselves; when you make giving cash to politicians “freedom of speech” then the only speech the politicians will hear is from the peope with the cash. That’s not American and that’s gotta stop.

And we need to think hard about what we’re doing with our prisons here, folks. Goddam Bernie Madoff and Jeff Skilling steal fifteen gajillion and they sit in their penthouse or a country club prison and eat quiche? But you blow a little weed and you’re doing hard time?

That ain’t right. I’ve directed the FBI and the Department of Justice to shift 35% of their assets to fighting white-collar and economic crimes, with special attention to the crimes committed involving politicians. And I’ve directed the Attorney General to prosecute these crimes to the full extent of the law, and the federal corrections people to clear out SuperMax for the assholes that looted Enron and Merril Lynch and took the bailout money at AIG and partied hearty. Drop the soap in THAT shower, dildos. We’re going to transform the War on Drugs to a War on Dregs – the dregs of the economic elite, the malefactors of great wealth. Once we’ve legalized the personal use of drugs – but don’t you go driving, stoners, dammit! – we can fill our prisons with the people who REALLY threaten our society; those who use its privilege to loot its piggy bank!

There’s a whole bunch more economic and political stuff to hash out. Things like quitting giving goddam tax breaks to people who eliminate and offshore American jobs. Fewer Americans need to make a living serving each other coffee and hamburgers and wiping butts and juggling securities. Look, folks, wealth, REAL wealth, the kind of wealth that builds nations and families and societies comes from making things and building things and doing things. It doesn’t have to be with your hands, it can be with your eyes, your heart, your mind. But being a barista means that your very existence is in the hands of the people who come in to buy your coffee. By letting our manufacturing and agricultural jobs go away, or go elsewhere, we’ve made ourselves dependent on every other person who DOES make things, to pay us. That’s not a good thing, people. But we’ve got time to talk about the details later.


Okay. Now let’s talk about the world around us.

First of all; let’s get one thing straight. Right now there’s no one in the world who can destroy us. No one. And that’s a pretty amazing, and very cool, thing. There’s no Stalin, no Mao, no Hitler…like I said, our public enemy number one is a cave-dwelling Saudi with about eight hundred illiterate followers, no army, no navy, no air force. He got lucky – once! – and we’ve been pissing ourselves about it ever since.

Well, damn. I gotta say, that’s about half stupid. Look, folks, it’s time we grew a pair. Grew up! Got over it! The booga-booga “Islamofascist” Empire isn’t coming to Get Us! To twist ourselves around the axle about this fantastic delusion isn’t good for anyone.

So I’m going to direct our military forces to begin to DEROS from Asia today. Now. We’ve been in Afghanistan for nearly seven freaking years; in Iraq for six. It took George Washington less than five years to train the Continental Line that won at Yorktown. If our Afghan and Iraqi “allies” haven’t gotten their shit together after all this time then we’re wasting their time, our money and our soldiers' lives. Time to turn over the property book and grab a hat, folks.

We have no quarrel with Islam. If the Saudis, the Iraqis or any other nation’s leaders cannot rule their own people, our soldiers cannot and should not. There has been lots of talk lately of “counterinsurgency”, which is a bloodless way of describing the bloody process by which governments kill those of their own citizens who don’t like them. Sometimes those citizens are criminals or would-be tyrants, like the narcotraficantes in Mexico today. But often they are just people, common people, driven to rebel against rulers who oppress them. A nation founded by revolution has no business crushing other revolutions; they will need to succeed or fail on their own. As of this minute we are out of the business of propping up foreign regimes, and I have directed the Pentagon to begin bringing our military advisory groups home from over 60 countries worldwide.

And that goes for a whole lot of the other 170-some bases we have overseas. This isn’t 1899 and we don’t need a goddam coaling station on every tropical island. We shouldn’t be an empire, our country began in a revolution against being a colony of an empire, and we don’t need little outposts of America all over the globe.

We also need to remember that our interest is in America. There are other nations we like and admire, others we’re not so fond of. But geopolitics isn’t a fifth-grade classroom; we don’t, and we shouldn’t, make our foreign policy based on who we like.

For example, right now Israel is fighting a vicious little war in the Gaza Strip. Now I’m not here to discuss whether Israel should be there, or whether Israel should be at all, or whether Israel should be where it is. It’s there, and Israel and its neighbors will need to deal with that.

But Israel’s problem with the Gaza Strip is not OUR problem with the Gaza Strip. We have no reason to aid or support Israel in killing Arabs in the Gaza Strip; the Israelis are not being our friends by killing them, and the Arabs being killed are not our enemies.

So, as I discussed, I have directed our State and War Departments to prioritize our strategic needs, both now and for the next half century, to the extent they can be forseen. Some nations are of geopolitical interest to us, others may be trading or political partners. Some we may need to make alliances with. But these relationships will be based on the best interests of the United States. Those nations – and I name no names but they know who they are – that have depended on American sentiment and political lobbying to gain them our favor will need to begin restructuring their policies.

One last thing. Religion. Now I’m going to be straight with you; I don’t have any religion and I don’t need any. I meditate when I’m feeling stressed, and whenever I get the itch to credit a Super Sky Daddy with furry kittens, good scotch, sunrises and black silk stockings I make myself remember syphilis, tsunamis, witchburnings and “From Justin To Kelly”. I’m not having a chaplain at the inauguration and I won’t have one in the White House. Which reminds me; I’m not the goddam pope or the Emperor of the North, either. I’m the head clerk of a people’s republic and all this silly saluting and ruffles and flourishes stuff has gotta stop. Remind me to tell the protocol people to get rid of “Hail to the Chief” and all the other imperial nonsense. Oh, and the Congress is going to get my “State of the Union” letter as a letter, like it’s supposed to. Worked for George Washington, dammit.

Anyway, religion. Look, folks, religion is like dandruff – lots of people have it and enjoy spending time and money fiddling with it. But it has nothing to do with the business of a Republic. Religious decisions are made based on what God wants, assuming he just told you that last week, and the decisions of a Republic are made based on the good of the people. Fiddle with you’re dan – religion – on your time, people. Keep it out of the business of government.

Let me end on a personal note. We’ve been living on the fat of the land since the end of World War Two. And because of that we’ve become fat, and lazy. We expect other peoples and other nations to do what we want. We expect to have everything now and pay for it later, if ever.

Those are bad habits, people, and we’re going to change them.

Now, my lovely wife has got some kind of tricky nightie that she calls her “First Lady” that she wants to show me and we’ve got to try out the Lincoln Bedroom, anyway. So y’all have a good evening, and I’ll see you around. Remember – America is your friend. So try not to screw your friend over. Judas was a buddyfucker. Nature hates a buddyfucker.

Goodnight.