Ohhh...oh...I think I lost control of my bowels...

...just for a moment.

Laughing at this: "Fuck You, Penguin"

Thanks, wzgirl. Ohmifuckinggod, when you bring teh funny, you bring it. Joe Bob says checkitout.

And for those of you who couldn't live another goddam minute without another one of those annoying blog meme things, here's "25 Things (You Hate) About Me", the byproduct of an inspiration from my homegirl L over at You Know Where You Are With. Here's her original explanation: "Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you."

So.

1. Dick Nixon and I are homeboys: both natives of Whittier, CA.
2. I cannot do that thing where you put your fingers in your mouth and whistle REAL LOUD. Tried. Can't.
3. I am seldom ill but am a semi-hypochondriac - I worry constantly about little niggling health things when I have them.
4. I love being warm. I an stand much more heat than I can cold Which begs the question, why the hell do I live in Portland, Oregon.
5. There was a very good chance I would have been a professional soldier. In a life with only a handful of deep regrets, one of them is that I retired before I made First Sergeant, one of the few life goals I never fulfilled.
6. My ex-brother-in-law had a girlfriend who was afraid to orgasm because she was convinced she'd lose control of her bowels if she did.
7. I once spent a half hour under a bush with a dead man. Neither of us had much to say.8. That said, my dirty little secret is; sometimes war is fun. When I would shout "BATTERY, FIRE!!" into that hand mike and the guns would thunder at my command like the iron voice of the God of War, I understood what Homer meant.
9. I love the early morning, right before dawn, when the night is just turning to day.
10. My ex-wife, my wife, and I are credited by the Oregon Bird Records Committee for the first (and so far, only) confirmed sighting of Louisiana Waterthrush in the state. Long story.
11. I usually sleep with a calico cat on my chest and cat farts reek.
12. I once dated a woman known as "Nancy, The Llama Lady".
13. Favorite cold weather meal? Split pea soup, beer bread with butter, warm cider or malty ale.
14. I voted for Ronnie Reagan. But I got over it.
15. I completely lost the remnants of my faith when my baby daughter died stillborn. It's not that I don't believe in one God or another, or that believe one way or another that there IS a God. I just don't want anything to do with Him, Her or It. You want credit for saving tsunami victims and starving orphans? Then you get the blame for my daughter, you murderous son-of-a-bitch.
16. There is nothing in nature as beautiful as the face of a sleeping child, the flight of a gyrfalcon or the curve of a woman's hip.17. "Mamma Mia". Why?
18. I have always had a terrific crush on Janeane Garofalo
19. But "The Truth About Cats And Dogs" sucked.
20. I worry that I am fundamentally unlikeable because I seem to be unable to keep friends or friendships. My life has been a succession of friendships that ended, in anger, or sloth, carelessly immediately or so slowly as to be almost imperceptable. Now I work hard to try and keep up with friends to the point where I reek of desperation which is, of course, the kiss of Death.
21. I have four tiny screws that hold my right pinkie together, the gift of a loose ball and a right inside back with a kick like a hammer.
22. Which never dimmed my secret dream, which was to have been a professional soccer goalkeeper.
23. I love to cook but hate fussy recipes. I don't really like to bake, but I love baked goods.
24. I was born with something called "patellar subluxation" and as a result my knees hurt all the time.
25. Will I be alive to see my kids graduate from college?

That's all. I've got a lot more to say, but I'm too damn tired to say it. So instead, enjoy Fred Peeper and Ginger Miss doing...the Happy Chicken Dance!