Got back late
yesterday from a week of drilling outside Skagway, Alaska.
VERY weird
place; it's like a Gold Rush theme park complete with boatloads of
tourists.
I couldn't help thinking how the "gold rush" was awful -
guys desperate because the economy sucked, being cheated and fleeced by an
army of grifters, and most of them going home broke after a miserable
time.
It's like a Disneyland "Great Depression" ride. Who wants that?
Apparently lots of people!
Anyway, regarding the troubles.
In the 22-plus years we've been married there are times when my Bride sort of...goes away.
She retreats within herself, barricades herself behind her tablet reading, doesn't engage. She's not nasty or rude about it, but she withdraws from our marriage more than a bit.
The result is that eventually I come to her. Ask her how she's doing. Remind her that it's hard to do things together if we're not, y'know, together.
She always acknowledges what is happening, and slowly re-emerges and we're back together.
About a month ago I noticed that she was doing this again. This time the problem was exacerbated by chores from the big remodel that needed "couple" sorts of inputs; paint colors, decor, that sort of thing. So, again, I sat down on a Friday evening, got her attention, reminded her of what she was doing, and asked for her to re-engage with me. She said she needed to think and she'd reply the next day.
Saturday morning she and I went down to the Willamette, where she told me that she had looked into herself and could find no more love. No dearness. No "us" there.
I asked her if she was sure.
She said she was.
I was stunned.
Before I left I
asked Mojo to take the week to consider whether we had a chance at finding a way back
together, either rekindling what we had, or finding something new.
Last Saturday I couldn't wait; I called and asked for her decision.
It was "no".
So we're done.
Tomorrow we go
see our financial planner to get the bad news. The best I can hope for,
frankly, is be able to find a way to not die homeless. We're looking at
having to practically double our expenses without increasing our income
unless I can find someone who will hire me full- or at least part-time
and right now that's not looking promising.
I'd like to
rage and scream. I'd like to be mad at how unfair this all seems...but
the only thing I can really be frustrated with is that Mojo, like my first wife before her, said nothing to let me know that her love for me was
dying (or I was helping to kill it and how).
With my...well, soon-to-be-FIRST-ex...at
least there were priors to explain why; we had very mismatched responses
to stress; I got angry, she'd withdraw, and so she kept everything
inside until she was just done and past done.
But my Bride KNEW
that!
And she knew that - had I known what was happening with The First Mrs. Lawes, had
I known with Mojo now - I'd have done whatever I could; pretty much made
myself over, made our marriage over, done whatever I could to prevent
that death of love.
Well...it's too late. It's
done now, and all I'm left with is grief. And the hope that I can, at
least, endure that grief under a roof somewhere and not under a bridge.
Sorry, I know that's bleak. But right now things look pretty bleak.
11 comments:
Oh, Chief, SO sorry you two are in this 'place'. And at your retirement and age--just like me. At least you are still connected with work and can downshift, although you hoped to put that gear out to pasture.
You are erudite and wise. There is a place for you, people--and a person--for you. Better to know this now rather than have this occur in ten more years. For both (three) of you.
Through pain you know you are alive. And there will be adventure in this detour ahead too. Plus it will be Summer soon in Portland.
Thinking of you (no response necessary).
Walt.
My condolences, i guess. That is a devastating blow for anyone. I Always enjoyed your take on things over the years. Hope you find the strength to push through.
I am truly sorry to hear that. I hope that the rest of this goes painlessly and that it will be a somewhat amicable separation. You have my best wishes.
I am so, so sorry to hear this too Chief.
You will have difficulties ahead, it happens even in the most amicable divorces.
But I don't think you should take this all on yourself.
You say your soon-to-be-ex kept everything inside until she was done and past done, and knew that full well.
In my personal experiences (all save for my current wife) by the time she was done keeping everything inside, her mind was made up, had been made up for a while and there was nothing, nothing I could do to make her change it.
"had I known" - but you _did_ know when something was wrong, and so count yourself highly observant and empathetic and _committed_ for the times that you saw her withdrawing and that you engaged her about it and moved closer together.
.. and this time she was not inclined to do anything about it, not to meet you and not to restore her part of the partnership.
Don't lay this on yourself.
Be strong, friend.
Sorry to hear about this turn of events, Chief.
I went through a similar situation with my wife over 25 years ago. My wife, like yours, had a tendency to keep everything bottled up inside. Her reason was a fairly severe case of Clinical Depression. The birth of our second child gave her a massive case of post-partum depression, which combined with health problems with the second child to bring us to the brink of divorce and her to the brink of suicide. My mother-in-law, who was an emergency room nurse, recognized the symptoms and bullied my wife into anti-depression medication.
That doesn't mean that it was a bed of roses afterward, but the situation got better. For starters, even though my wife recognized the necessity of what was done, she wouldn't speak to her mother for almost 5 years. Clinical Depression is incredibly nasty and causes the person to resist feeling better.
Your story about your wife retreating into reading and not feeling love anymore were identical to what my wife said and still occasionally does. When she falls into Depression, she feels like she is a monster and cannot be loved. She lashes out at everything and everybody around her. Things get worse if I don't pay particular attention to the situation and respond appropriately (which is extremely hard). I've wondered more than once whether it was worth it and have decided every time that it was. The saving grace is that when my wife is not depressed, she a truly great person in a very quiet way.
Everybody's story is different and I'm not at all sure anything I've said will be of value to you. This post is almost more of a PSA about the horrific amount of mental health issues in this country. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, over 26% of people suffer from a mental health crisis every year. Speaking from experience, people can do the most self-destructive things possible in those moments.
Good luck, Chief, regardless of what happens.
Thanks for the kind words, everyone.
Brian and Pluto; I don't doubt that the depression might play into it. She has managed it well, but the mind has it's ways that are secret even to ourselves at times. But writ large? I don't think so.
Instead I think we let ourselves fall into this bad habit. She'd withdraw, and when at first I would be proactive about engaging with her, as time went by - because her guilt and recrimination at herself when she admitted to the withdrawing were so hard on her - I stopped being good about not letting things go. This time there must have been something more, but she says she can't pinpoint anything and I'm not able to help.
It's not all on me, no. Well, whatever it is or was that turned her off, yes. That's a "me" problem. But without her speaking up - and whatever the problem is or was, it wasn't gross enough to be obvious or visible to either of us - I had no way to change things or fix things and I'm not kidding; if I'd known I would have.
And I'm not trying to be a saint or a martyr. I'm frankly pretty chapped that she didn't speak up and partly because of that now I'm out of the marriage and the house and the life I've cherished twenty years. I'm never going to enjoy the new kitchen I worked so hard to help build. I'm going to drift out of my family's life the way ex-husbands inevitably do, becoming a random guest and occasional visitor.
Well.
We meet mediator next week. I'm looking for rentals, going cheap because I don't want to die in some shitty rented apartment; I want to save up for a little house, maybe out in the tules like Gaston or Timber where I can wake to birdsong and the hiss of the rain.
I'll be back here in a bit, tho. Still got things to say.
I'm sorry to hears this, Chief, but not altogether surprised. I strongly agree with your comment about the mind keeping secrets from itself.
Do your best to stay engaged with the kids. Not sure how your family works, but my relationship with my kids is better than my wife's. Kids are still better off with two parents, even if the parents have to be apart from each other to avoid going nuts.
Good luck in the housing hunt, from what I've heard, Portland and "cheap housing" are not words that naturally go together.
Yeah, the housing thing. Ugh. What's affordable is crap and what isn't crap isn't affordable.
And I'm too goddamn old to rent a room in a shared-kitchen-and-bathroom house with a bunch of roommates. If I have to, I have to...but I hope to hell I don't have to.
In my prayers, Chief
Sorry to read this. It sounds like depression of a sort. I fear my own marriage ( 38 years) is slowly heading this way.
Stay strong. Birdsong would be great.
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