Thursday, February 08, 2018

Acting 1SG Lawes reads the morning formation announcements

Comp-ney, Atten-shun!

At ease.

Okay, listen up. Coupla things here.


Y'all continue to ignore the Brigade Sarn't Major's directive on not wearing y'all's PT shorts whilst exercising, not in formation. Now far be it from me to suggest that our Brigade Sarn't Major is a nitpicky ding-dong with Wheatina inside his fucking brain housing group who should really have better things to do than obsess about what y'all are wrapping around your asses when you go for a jog down Ardennes Street. That would be unprofessional and disrespectful to our chain of command.

So I will simply remind you that, while possibly being the sort of thing that only a nitpicky ding-dong with Wheatina inside his fucking brain housing group who should really have better things to do than obsess about what y'all are wrapping around your asses when you go for a jog down Ardennes Street would do, that directive has the force of law in this here outfit.

I personally could not give a rat's ass if y'all sashay down the street in a pink tulle' tutu. But, after this formation, you will put the PT shorts up and wear them only when in morning PT formation so you will not incur the wrath of said Brigade Sarn't Major onto this company and the First Sergeant thereof, that being me, who is infernally tired of the goddamn Brigade Sarn't Major and who, if lectured one more time on this issue by that infernal product of an incestuous union will take it out of your ass, seriatim. Is that understood?

I thought so.

Now. Second.

I have received word from Battalion that this Division is going to be tasked to provide a brigade to march in some sort of parade in Washington D.C. Now y'all know my feelings about parades; the pleasure is fucking transient, the position is goddamn ridiculous, and the expense is completely and utterly ridiculous.

However, due to certain feelings of masculine inadequacy of certain persons in certain elected positions this parade will happen and it is entirely likely that this brigade will be tasked, given that Second Brigade in march order looks like nothing so much as a traveling leper colony, and the less said about what will happen if First Brigade is allowed out amongst unprepared civilians the better, although my hyfuckingpothesis is that there will not be an un-emptied bottle of spirits or an unmolested domestic animal within ten kilometers of their line of march.

Now. I still remember the last time we did this, and I will not have a repetition of some of the things you people thought up last Fourth of July.

No, AT Platoon, your vehicles are not public conveyances and you are not authorized to give "free joyrides" in them.

No, Medics, you are not, I say again, not qualified to perform pelvic exams.

No, Commo, you are not "DJ Slicky" and you cannot play Lady Gaga's "Sexxx Dreams" on the brigade command push. Or the battalion command push, either. And don't even think about my company net.

Yes, y'all will be issued MRE meals on the day of the parade and, no, you cannot trade them to civilians for Bonus Jacks, Whoppers, or any other sort of civilian chow. Y'all will keep your assigned weapon with you at all times, and that includes not encouraging civilian women to "touch your gun", Specialist Black. I got my eye on you, heee-ro.

And before you ask, no. I have no fucking idea what the fuck this is for. It ain't no victory parade that I can think of, 'cause we ain't beat nobody's ass lately. If it's a "thank you for your service" thing we can get enough of that at the goddamn airport. If the idea is to scare our enemies then they should really make the Navy do it, because I dunno about anyone else but the Navy scares the hell out of me, floating around the ocean somewhere with nuclear torpedoes an' shit.

But here's the bottom line, people; we are GIs, and we got our orders, so our mission is to salute and move out smartly. Including down fucking Pennsylvania Avenue for a big ol' goat rodeo, if that's what the country wants, God in his wisdom knoweth why. Are we clear on that?

Good. That is all.

Comp-ney, Atten-shun!

Platoon sergeants, take charge.


BigFred said...

Love it.

Brian Train said...


Hoo boy.
As the once, former, and then-only-acting Adjutant of the Ceremonial Guard unit of the Canadian Armed Forces, whose primary job was to perform these stupid animal acts on a regular basis (we called it "public duties"), I especially shake my head at this.

Isn't this what the 3rd Infantry Regiment is for?

I guess he'll have his little show, but I hope it's little... maybe they should do what the Reds used to do for May Day parades in Red Square, and have only a small number of tanks and troops roll and march in a circle to make it look as if they are a mighty power.

FDChief said...


The 3USI is our show pony, but I think the idea here is more a juche movie or Reichsparteitag thing, with massed tanks and MRLS systems rolling past The Leader where he stands proudly reviewing His legions. Trump has more than a little caudillo in him and, like those tinpot dictators, sees the armed forces not as the nation's but as an extension of his dick, to be swung whenever someone needs to be reminded who has the Big One.

So one puny ceremonial unit wouldn't swing enough wood, so to speak...

Brian Train said...

Yeah. I saw that the parade KJU had two weeks ago for Korean People's Army Day (February 8) had 13,000 troops in it... that's most of a US division.

2nd Marine Division from Camp Lejeune?
They'd love that... well maybe they would do it if Mattis was up on the reviewing stand too.

82nd Airborne from Ft. Bragg?
They probably do need to practice moving out smartly into a large city....

FDChief said...

Every year the Deuce holds a "Division Review". It's basically a parade with a military formation tacked on, but held on post at FBNC, so its not like anyone can come watch (well, it used to be back when Bragg was an open post, but I'll bet those days are long gone...). I went to a couple of them.

By and large Division looked okay on the match past. We're not talking NKPA or PRA parade unit sharp, but, then, GIs don't do that stuff, the white gloves and the tricky goosestepping/arms flourishing things that the Chinese or Korean troops do.

Frankly, an American unit doing a march-past always looks kinda boring, to me; it's just a bunch of GIs in formation, not all that much different from marching the battalion down to Green Ramp, if that was what the battalion commander wanted to do (and, shit, sir, what the hell were 80-pax invented for, then..?).

Marine line outfits seem to me to be very similar to Army outfits, so my guess is that the 2MarDiv wouldn't be much sexier.

But some people get their jollies from very odd things, and the Trumpian obsession with military might suggests that he's one of them...

Brian Train said...

The media were running photos of the last time there was a parade in Washington, the Gulf War I Victory Lap.
Everybody in their chocolate chips and at Sling Arms, probably contingents from every division and/or brigade that fought so everyone could share in the fun.
8,800 troops, 1.2 million pounds of garbage left by the 200,000 gawkers, and $12 million in bills, not least for the great gouges in the pavement where the Abrams rolled.

I think instead of many pairs of feet, Trumpolini might prefer sets of matched tracks and roaring engines... but the armour and cavalry divisions are in Texas.
3rd Infantry Division is mechanized, so maybe a big rollpast of an armored and a mech BCT railed up from Georgia.
Think they could get out of it if they just let him drive a Bradley around and around on the White House lawn?

FDChief said...

And when you think that the "Big Army Playset" is only $19.95 down at Toys R Us...

Brian Train said...

"The difference between men and boys, is the size of their toys...."