Friday, April 06, 2007

Bible Belting

From driftglass: this was too good not to pass on...
Genesis 31
Now the Bush was more gladhandy than any Shrub of the field which the ROVE God had made. And he said unto the Dowd, Yea, hath the Founders said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

2 And the Dowd said unto the Bush, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden – the Tree of Fascism -- the Founders hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye lose the Nation.

4 And the Bush said unto the Dowd, Nah. Seriously, it’s totally cool:

5 For the Founders didst know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as the Founders, transcending mere rights and due processes, means and ends, and dwelling on the plain of Pure Good fighting Pure Evil.

6 And when the Dowd saw that the raw, unfettered power of the Tree won elections, toppled nations, muzzled the press and kept opposition gagged and terrorized, he took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto the Moderates with him; and they did eat.

7 And the eyes of them all were opened, and they knew that they were filthy, lying fucknozzles; and they spun lies and bigotry and think-tanks and media together, and made themselves a New Reality.

8 And they heard the voice of the Founders walking in the Nation in the heat of the War they had used the fruit of the Tree to manufacture: and Dowd and the Moderates hid themselves from the presence of the Founders by Turning Rush Up Louder.

9 And the Founders called unto the Moderates, and said unto them, What in the Fuck have you done with our Constitution?

10 And the Moderates said, we heard thy voice in the Nation, and since we are naturally nekkid little cowards, we hid ourselves behind the Flag and called the Dirty Hippies nasty names.

11 And the Founders said, Who told thee that thou wast nekkid little cowards? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

12 And the Moderates, being nekkid little cowards, said, Dowd made us do it! It wasn’t our fault. We’re weak and stupid! There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. We swear to You it wasn’t our faaaaault.

13 And the Founders said unto the Dowd, What is this that thou hast done? And the Dowd said, The Bush beguiled me, and I did eat.

14 And the Founders said unto The Bush, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all Administrations. History shall judge you to have been the Worst President Evah. The Future shall call you Traitor and Failure , and you shall be set below every hack Alderman and corrupt Mayor in the land; upon thy belly shalt thou crawl out of office, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

15 And We will put enmity between thee and the Goldwater Conservatives, and between thy seed and their seed; they will never vote for another Bush again, and the Bushes will grow crazier and stupider and more of a national embarrassment with each passing generation.

16 Unto the Dowd he said, We will greatly multiply thy sorrow and ruin thy resume; in sorrow thou shalt make a buck; ultimately you shalt wear a Hat of Paper and spend your declining years welcoming hillbillies to WalMart.

17 And unto the Moderates They said, Because thou art nekkid little cowards and hast hearkened unto the voice of liars like the Dowd, and hast eaten of the tree, of which We Very Clearly commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is are you dumbasses; in sorrow shalt thou listen to the Dirty Hippies saying “we told you so”.

18 Shut The Fuck Up with your imbecile opinions is what you will surely do all the days of thy life while other, smarter people clean up your messes or I will lay such a smiting on you;

19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat crow, till thou return unto the dumpster of History; for out of it wast thou taken: for poo thou art, and unto poo shalt thou return.

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