Thursday, March 20, 2008

For Whom the Bra Tolls (or: Fun with Underthings)

A couple of you asked about THIS picture...okay, well, YOU asked about this picture, C, and whether the size of this bit of lingerie is an absolute or simply immense relative to Little Missy.


First, I need to bring in a bit of background. The lovely people below are a friend of Mojo's - let's call her Geochick - and her new DH, the Rockman. They're Good People, and Geochick and Mojo go back a ways and are good for each other in all sorts of Wild and Crazy ways.Now she and Mojo also have some traits in common, like most friends do. And one of those things - at least one of the ones that is most obvious to me, hound that I am - is the fact that they are both...ummm...robust in the anterior torso part of their anatomy. They both have nice, full breasts. Large breasts. Loads of Lovely Lady Lumps. Enchanté with décolleté.

Overstocked in sweater meat. Busting out all over. Gifted with squirming baskets of Snuggle Puppies. Overstuffed Satan's love pillows. Krakatoa and Tambora, the Volcanic Mountains of Love.

Buxom, is what they are.

Now back in the day when Big Peeper was Fetus Peeper, Mojo went through a period where her abondanzas went from merely abundant to immense to oh-my-fucking-god-it's-like-staring-into-the-sun. Her wherewithal grew beyond normal human brassiere sizes. Out of the DDDs. Beyond the Fs and somewhere into the letters of the alphabet usually reserved for sports cars and abbreviating the first names of prep school kids from Saddle River. I mean, the fuckers got to the point where they began to develop their own gravitational fields.And this was the result.

The TitanoBra. Sort of twin personal Hindenburgs with some lacy bits and hook-and-eye closures at the back, this beast of a breast holster is rated at a higher tensile strength than some interstate suspension bridges. It's not exactly "cute" or "frilly" but it tamed the Kraken long enough to get through the "Peeperocene", also known as The Boobolithic Period or Peep's Breastfeeding Days.

Now Geochick and Rockman are Expecting. And it's Geo's turn to experience the Expanding Universe Theory. Our contribution to their burgeoning little family is - the TitanoBra.

But, of course, before we shipped Old Suspenders off to her new family, we ALL had to try her on to see how we would look.

Missy immediately disappeared. This wasn't exactly surprising, since each cup is larger then her head.

Mind you, she recovered nicely (as the topmost snapshot shows). She enjoyed hiding her sippy inside the Chambered Nautilus and whipping it with a giggle. Note: her Mommy's response to that activity, back in the day when little Peep guzzled up to the Korovo Milk Bar eight times a day, was markedly less enthusiastic.

The Peeper looked surprisingly dashing, in a Mae-West-meets-Herve-Villachaize-sort-of-way.

He also pranced around in it a bit, which kinds fits with the metrosexual thing he's got going on right now (changing clothes all the time, emotional crises 24-7...sigh...)

But no amount of difference could keep these two from fighting over the damn thing. I swear, if siblings had one tootsie-roll of dried cat poo, they'd fight over it. Most of the fights they DO have are as senseless as a punchup over a piece of Kitty Roca. And here they are:

Children, children...

Let Mommy show you how it should be worn.

Be still, my trembling heart...

Who is this that comes with tender lightsome step..?

Ah! She walks in beauty like the night...

That brave vibration each way free;
O how that glittering taketh me!
Um. Actually, Mommy, it looks like you're doing some sort of "Exorcist" deal where your head turns all the way around...

And, speaking of Satan...

Ohmigod, look away, kids!!

The red eyes of Shemale Evil! It burns! It bbuurrrrnnnnssssss!!!!


...enjoy the underthing, Geochick, and good luck birthin' that baby. We love you. Almost as much as we enjoy dressing up in women's clothes for the camera.

Bye, now.

Update 3/21: I realized that the one person who was probably most permanently affected by Mojo's abundance was Little Pea. And my thoughts on this run two directions:

1. Either he will be so permanently traumatized that he will wind up liking boys or else girls with teeny tiny little baby bumpers, or

2. He will forever dream of being the mooring mast at Lakehurst Naval Air Station.

Whadda you think?


Mrs. Vandertramp said...

My good goddess, you guys are a fun family!!

Dee said...

From now on please post a warning before being that funny while I'm at work. They don't appreciate the soda on my monitor is all I'm saying.

atomic mama said...

Holy f*cking sh*t. 3 words. That's all I've got.

Okay, 3 more: Damned funny, that!
3 more: Y'all are hilarious.
3 final ones: Congrats to Geochick!

'Nuff said.

walternatives said...

Five minutes later and I still can't quit laughing - my abdomen hurts, tears even. That picture of you is the funniest fucking thing that I have ever - EVER, EVER - seen on a blog. This entire post is so rich, but that pic? PRICELESS.

Thanks for the laughter, friend.

Sampsons said...

OMG that was a riot! I'm a lurker, by route of Mrs. Vandertramp, and was intrigued by some of your political discussions, since I share some/all of your opinions about GWB. I returned tonight to see what you've had to say lately and stumbled onto this post!!! Great writing! Keep it up! Natalie in Nova Scotia

The Goober said...

That is just incredibly hilarious. Didn't think I would see the Chief exposed (or should I say "covered up"?).

Christine said...

OMG! I cannot believe they even make bras that large ! J, you looked way too fetching in it, reminds me of Hoover, was it Hoover a cross dresser ? You all must have fun when the kids are asleep and the lights go down....

Thanks for the good wishes, I'm at week 37 and working at home. Can't fit well behind the steering wheel anymore. He kicks alot and I eat alot. Nice combo.

The Wanderers' Daughter said...