Monday, March 03, 2008

I'm a Barbie Girl

There's this ancient Army joke called "213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Army". Number eighteen is "No longer perform my now (in)famous "Barbie Girl Dance" while on duty".

My personal favorite, BTW, is "Claymore mines are NOT filled with yummy candy and it is WRONG to tell new soldiers that they are." That and "No, the pants are not optional."

Anyway, I told you that story to tell you this one.

I told the Peeper about how, as a Bad Boy, his Daddy one buried his Aunt Chrissy's Barbies in the lawn up to their necks and ran over them with the lawn mower.

And I then sang the "Barbie Girl" song.

So now whenever I want to get the Peeper going I sing the Barbie Girl song and he starts shouting "CUT!!" which is his short version of saying he is cutting Barbies' head off with a lawn mower.

I worry about Missy's future dolls. I really do. The moral of that story is Be Careful What You Tell Your Child About Your Past.

The other is: everything you need to know about social stratification can be learned from Barbie. I'm sure you have one of these about the city where or near where you live.

For your entertainment, here is

"The Oregon Barbie Collection".

Forest Heights Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master’s degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with “Catlin Gabel” Skipper. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Portland-area Starbucks retailers but you can’t afford any of them.NE Killingsworth Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm Glock, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth habit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. (Manufacturer's note: the model recently known as "NE Killingsworth Barbie" is being phased out, as many of the descriptors no longer apply. She will be renamed "Gresham Barbie," and will come as a complimentary gift with all new accounts at payday loan centers in the greater Gresham area.) Available at many pawn shops and all Dotty’s Delis.

Inner SE Barbie (also known as “Hawthorne Barbie”): This Barbie comes with dark-rimmed "smart" glasses, nose piercing, obligatory shoulder tattoo and your choice of green shoulder-length hair or dreadlocks. You'll have hours of fun driving her around SE Portland in her own 1986 Toyota Corolla adorned with crystals hanging from the rear-view mirror and "Bush lied, People Died" bumper sticker. Hawthorne Barbie comes with an optional "Slacker Ken" doll complete with "Firehouse" T-shirt, scruffy beard and a couch for hours of cartoon doodling and pot smoking. Act now and get a free pack of American Spirit cigarettes and complimentary liberal arts degree from Reed College.

St. John’s Barbie: This “south-of-the-border” Barbie comes with her own rubber work boots and kerchief for long nights at the Del Monte Fresh packing plant on Marine Drive. 1994 Toyota with expired transit tags may be reclaimed from impound lot by Chilango Ken after his shift at the carneceria. Also comes with eight other family members. Available at N. Lombard Salvation Army Thrift Store.

NW 23rd Barbie: This Barbie drives a "Giant" mountain bike through Forest Park and works as a barista at the neighborhood non-Starbucks expresso bar while looking for a party animal named Ken that understands commitment. Trains for the Portland Marathon in Adidas running shorts with the waist-band rolled over, with contrasting sports bra. Trying to decide between graduate school in neuroscience or a Subaru with a 5-speed manual transmission. Available at the Food Front co-op on NW Thurman and 24th.

Marquam Hill Barbie: comes with several outfits: Nurse Barbie w/ uniform, stethoscope and picket sign, Administrator Barbie w/ mouth large enough to fit foot in and husband Ken who works as editor for local paper who will write whatever she tells him to, and Dr. Barbie w/ matching condo/health club/bioscience center, which was to have a matching Tram but was recalled because it was a choking hazard to any patient who saw the price tag. Available only at the gift department at Strohecker’s Market on SW Vista Blvd.

Pearl District Barbie: this collagen injected, rhinoplasticized Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Comes with warehouse conversion condo, Percocet prescription, appletini, and all-access pass to the Doug Fir.Lake Oswego Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating attorney husband, Ken, comes with a classic Porsche 911, working cell phone and extra key to Forest Heights’ Barbie’s Waterfront Place condo.Dallas Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Sergeant Gator’s Army Navy Surplus.Pendleton Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2-sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica 'T'shirt and a Tweedy Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She also features fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his "episodes" with his boss's daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.Scio Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.Eugene Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, natural armpit hair, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.Ashland Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.Bend Barbie: This tan, outdoorsy Barbie comes with a luxury SUV, pint of whatever is on micro at Deschutes Brewery, a labrador retriever, and trust fund husband who works part-time as a doctor/lawyer/consultant so that they can spend their afternoons golfing/hiking/rock-climbing/fly-fishing/skiing. Cosmetic surgery and blonde highlights are optional. Bend Barbie comes with your choice of a Westside McMansion in either tan, taupe, sand, or mocha. Available at Columbia Sportwear. Salem Barbie: Comes with a bland wardrobe and sensible shoes. The navigation system on her white Jeep Cherokee is preset with her favorite destinations: Target, Big Lots, Tin Tin Buffet, Lancaster Drive, and the Four Square Evangelical Church of Jesus the Redeemer. Customize her ride with included bumper stickers: "Support the Troops," "Stop Abortion Now," and "My Child is a Honor Student at Queen of Peace Elementary School." Salem Ken's prison guard uniform fits stylishly over his beer gut. ATV remote control slides neatly into Ken's right hand for those exciting Salem Saturday nights. VIP Pass from Hollywood Video slips into Barbie's purse along with her Fred Meyer rewards card and lottery tickets. Karaoke Bar set can be purchased to celebrate the couple's romantic anniversaries and birthdays. Available only at the Lancaster Drive Fred Meyer store.Can you tell I'm feeling better?

I'm working on the "Oregon Ken" version. Have a great week and I'll see you Wednesday.

1 comment:

wzgirl said...

Ok, so I really like the Barbie collection. That's funny, yo.