Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Beware, beware, beware of the naked man

Keep Portland Wierd, nude sunbathing edition: from the World's Worst Newspaper, with my annotations:

PORTLAND, Ore. -- The incident at a Columbia River nudist beach started with a simple navigation error by a southeast Portland man on a rafting trip with his children and two Chihuahuas.

Note: "southeast Portland man" is Portland news codespeak for "blue collar hillbilly, probably white trash, maybe a tweaker, certainly stupid". The dogs are a nice touch. Because, after all, what Rhodes scholar doesn't take his poorly furred, probably nonswimming, tiny purse dogs along while rafting the Queen River of the West?

Police say 45-year-old Josh Meiller thought he was several hundred feet from the clothing-optional area of Sand Island at Rooster Rock State Park when he brought his inflatable raft ashore Thursday afternoon.

Shortly after 1 p.m. Thursday, Oregon State Police troopers and Multnomah County sheriff's deputies responded to a call at Rooster Rock State Park near Troutdale "involving a nude sunbather."

Did you know that the original name of this geologic feature, a large upright rock column, had nothing to do with a male chicken? The cartographers decided that "Cock Rock" wouldn't fly (although they didn't quibble about "Whorehouse Meadow" or "Nigger Tom" [scroll down to "Early Willamette River" in the link - it's now part of Kelly Point). True fact, I swear.

At the park, they found Meiller, who said he was on his raft with three girls and one boy, ages 7 through 10, when they landed at Sand Island. He told investigators that he thought he was far from the nudist area at the park, Hastings said.

The shaken and bruised Meiller told police that he realized his mistake when his two dogs jumped out and ran up the beach toward a nude sunbather, later identified as Kenney, about 100 yards away. The man told police that he saw Kenney hitting the dogs with what appeared to be a stick.

Because you can say what you want about the joy of treasuring the outdoors clad only in nature's raiment; it has nothing on the wild, sweet pleasure of lathering a couple of yappy little purse dogs into a bloody pulp with your CobraTM police baton. And, after all, what genius doesn't take his billy club along while nude sunbathing?Kenney then allegedly walked up to the man and the children, holding up a can of mace. Meiller backed up and tripped, and Kenney attacked with the baton, striking him in the head, torso and right leg, police said.

Because for nude sunbathing Mace is right there with Coppertone. And when you're naked and pissed off, your fists or a stick just don't cut it.

After the assault, Kenney walked away, police said. Meiller, who initially asked police not to release his name, left the beach in his raft.

Yeah, well, no shit, Sherlock. I'd have bolted during the dogbeating, leaving Scooby and Scrappy to the naked madman and Fate. And, personally, as a sworn peace officer I'd have been tempted to leave it at that. Dumb rafter and yippy doglets make mistake, are corrected by angry, naked septuagenarian. Dumbass collects battered dogs and larvae, tumbles back into landing craft and paddles away like a shotover Australian battalion evacuating the beaches of Gallipoli, bloodied but wiser. End of story. Maybe next time Cletus will leash the mutts AND learn where he is on the river before storming ashore with dumb chums on the attack...but, since this is Oregon, 2008...

Investigators found Kenney after the victim gave them a description of his attacker and the license plate number for a vehicle in which he later saw his attacker, Hastings said.

Meiller suffered bruises and abrasions, police said. "He has also had an ongoing headache from the blow he took to the head," Hastings said.

The Big O omitted to print Trooper Hastings subvoiced comment "...but this does not appear to be a symptom of improved or even minimal brain function, unfortunately."

The next day, Kenney's vehicle was spotted parked at the park. Officers, accompanied by a park ranger, found Kenney in the nudist area and arrested him, Hastings said.

Sadly, we can only hope that Kenney told the coppers, "Can't a man hang his johnson out in public in peace without being assailed by rednecks in rubber boats and their goddam purse dogs?! Yes, I beat the dumbass and his cougar-bait in hopes of beating some sense into their fat heads and I'd do it again, and if that means I will go to the Crossbar Hotel, well, then, dammit, I will!!"

God, I love this town. And here's a little Keith Moon to play me out...


troutbirder said...

Hilarious. I must say though I especially enjoyed your cryptic summary post "By their fruits ye shall know them." It is as if I was reading what I had been thinking but unable to put into words for the last 7 1/2 years. Thanks

Maia said...

Sigh. I love Keith.

sheerakahn said...

I'm not sure how I would react if I saw a guy swing'n pipe on the beach going ape with the can of mace.
I think more was going on there than what was reported.

Lisa said...

Fabulous reportage! The Oregonian should hire you on to bring their workaday stories to a much higher level. Or the military fraternal magazines have spots for hard-nose reporting, of this style.

"like a shotover Australian battalion evacuating the beaches of Gallipoli". . . one feels one is there in the terrible moment. . .

As an aside, I cannot bear pocketbooks dogs, which are naught but glorified rats.

basilbeast said...

Yes lisa, if it were cats, first the cats would have sense enough to stay off a rubber dinghy in a river, and if they were on the beach in that situation, would be far better prepared.

"swinging pipe" Sheerakahn?

What kind do you mean? 8-b


Lisa said...

Exactly, basil. Cats would scram and large (real) dogs would be a formidable foe, or avoid the insane altogether.

Pocketdogs have no brains. Their owners beneficently cradle them, and they shiver.

basilbeast said...

True, a cat would probably scat, but I can't imagine the horrors facing a naked guy trying to hold and contain a POed cat.


Speaking of conflicts on water, a friend sent me these youtubes: