Thursday, January 08, 2009

Ohhh...oh...I think I lost control of my bowels...

...just for a moment.

Laughing at this: "Fuck You, Penguin"

Thanks, wzgirl. Ohmifuckinggod, when you bring teh funny, you bring it. Joe Bob says checkitout.

And for those of you who couldn't live another goddam minute without another one of those annoying blog meme things, here's "25 Things (You Hate) About Me", the byproduct of an inspiration from my homegirl L over at You Know Where You Are With. Here's her original explanation: "Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you."


1. Dick Nixon and I are homeboys: both natives of Whittier, CA.
2. I cannot do that thing where you put your fingers in your mouth and whistle REAL LOUD. Tried. Can't.
3. I am seldom ill but am a semi-hypochondriac - I worry constantly about little niggling health things when I have them.
4. I love being warm. I an stand much more heat than I can cold Which begs the question, why the hell do I live in Portland, Oregon.
5. There was a very good chance I would have been a professional soldier. In a life with only a handful of deep regrets, one of them is that I retired before I made First Sergeant, one of the few life goals I never fulfilled.
6. My ex-brother-in-law had a girlfriend who was afraid to orgasm because she was convinced she'd lose control of her bowels if she did.
7. I once spent a half hour under a bush with a dead man. Neither of us had much to say.8. That said, my dirty little secret is; sometimes war is fun. When I would shout "BATTERY, FIRE!!" into that hand mike and the guns would thunder at my command like the iron voice of the God of War, I understood what Homer meant.
9. I love the early morning, right before dawn, when the night is just turning to day.
10. My ex-wife, my wife, and I are credited by the Oregon Bird Records Committee for the first (and so far, only) confirmed sighting of Louisiana Waterthrush in the state. Long story.
11. I usually sleep with a calico cat on my chest and cat farts reek.
12. I once dated a woman known as "Nancy, The Llama Lady".
13. Favorite cold weather meal? Split pea soup, beer bread with butter, warm cider or malty ale.
14. I voted for Ronnie Reagan. But I got over it.
15. I completely lost the remnants of my faith when my baby daughter died stillborn. It's not that I don't believe in one God or another, or that believe one way or another that there IS a God. I just don't want anything to do with Him, Her or It. You want credit for saving tsunami victims and starving orphans? Then you get the blame for my daughter, you murderous son-of-a-bitch.
16. There is nothing in nature as beautiful as the face of a sleeping child, the flight of a gyrfalcon or the curve of a woman's hip.17. "Mamma Mia". Why?
18. I have always had a terrific crush on Janeane Garofalo
19. But "The Truth About Cats And Dogs" sucked.
20. I worry that I am fundamentally unlikeable because I seem to be unable to keep friends or friendships. My life has been a succession of friendships that ended, in anger, or sloth, carelessly immediately or so slowly as to be almost imperceptable. Now I work hard to try and keep up with friends to the point where I reek of desperation which is, of course, the kiss of Death.
21. I have four tiny screws that hold my right pinkie together, the gift of a loose ball and a right inside back with a kick like a hammer.
22. Which never dimmed my secret dream, which was to have been a professional soccer goalkeeper.
23. I love to cook but hate fussy recipes. I don't really like to bake, but I love baked goods.
24. I was born with something called "patellar subluxation" and as a result my knees hurt all the time.
25. Will I be alive to see my kids graduate from college?

That's all. I've got a lot more to say, but I'm too damn tired to say it. So instead, enjoy Fred Peeper and Ginger Miss doing...the Happy Chicken Dance!


sheerahkahn said...

Honesty, Chief, accept no substitutes, which has been my motto since I had my epiphany at the age of 13.
I still remember that moment, and I will never forget it either.
When you are honest some people will run away from you, some will stare askance at you, and few will say "thank you."
But this I can guarantee, everyone will know exactly who you are, and even if they know they'll regret asking you for the truth, the truth is exactly what they'll get from you.
For me, that has been the most satisfying experience of my life.
I know somethings, and I know I don't know other things; but the beauty of it all is I'm free from the bounds of social graces to pretend otherwise.
Feel free to be yourself with me, Chief, I appreciate the raw character of a person who is willing to be open and honest over the person who seeks to hide who they really are because of fear of what others may think of them.

btw, I hate penguins.
I like the cartoon ones (Madgascar movie comes to mind...cracks me up something serious that movie does), but real life penguins? They stink...lord do they stink!

Lisa said...


You are definitely not unlikeable. But... I thought I was your homegirl lover? (Apologies to Mrs. Chief, if she's reading.)


We share epiphanies. No candy-coating, and you're right, some people just can't take it. But this isn't a personality contest, after all. One can be graceful in the truth; in fact, I do not think there is grace without it.

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
rangeragainstwar said...

I roger your emotion. My goals were CIB/Ranger/Airborne. The SF thing just slipped in. I, like you, regret not making 06, and I was never boarded. I didn't have enough soul left to continue the march.

There are so few things a man can do that is truly masculine. We are raised and schooled by women and when married are forced to live in female decorated houses. We really are a subservient sex contrary to the spin.

My favorite mortar memory is firing live fire on a simulated moving vehicular column. Also live fire hip-shooting was a thriller. Firing WP was always a thrill. In short -- I understand.

FDChief said...

Lisa: You are, in your truth, all that is graceful and beautiful. I kiss your hand that in all honor is all I may kiss...and you are my electronic inamorata.

Mrs. Chief, wise woman and sergeant's bride that she is, would probably just wink and drawl "You go ahead and work up your appetite however you want to, sunshine. Just remember that you come home to eat."

Jim: That last step was the hardest and the most important to me. I never really cared about Sergeant Major - I had so many poor ones and so many lapdogs and poodles. But to be the Top Soldier...well, it'll never happen. And I understand how, now that it's behind us, you can look back and regret never having those eagles.

Having been both grunt-medic and gunbunny, I gotta say - war is a LOT more fun when you get to do the pounding with the big bullets rather than be downrange. The Queen of Battle may be the most powerful piece on the board, but when the King speaks,'s just another wifebeating.

rangeragainstwar said...

Yep the king puts the balls where the queen wants them.
You may want to read James Brady-The Coldest War -for some good arty details from the Infy side.

I too have a deal with Lisa, if she gets traded off then I get Boot.

Pls contact us on the back channel. No big deal or problem but i want to ask a qustion. jim

Lisa said...

I am happy now.

FDChief said...

Jim: lets drop down to e-mail - give me a shout at:

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