Thursday, January 10, 2013

Oregon Assholes Award II: Sellwood Dumbfuck Guntards

Because nothing says FREEDOM!!! like wandering around a residential neighborhood in a major city sportin' your AR-15 wood.


These guys qualify as certifiable Oregon Assholes for a number of reasons:

1. They picked Sellwood, a very quiet little Portland neighborhood, to walk around slinging their metal cocks. Neither one of these assholes is from Sellwood - in fact, Guntard Warren is all the way from Medford, waaaayyyy south in the more rednecky-part of Oregon. The other one is from Clackamas County, well known for having livestock smarter than many of the registered voters. Assholes.

2. Here's the public statement of one of the assholes:
"I am a full flesh libertarian and a gun right extremest. We the people should control our government and bring us back to when we had and own our Life, Liberty, and Property. I hate socialist, dictators, and corrupt Government. We are losing are rights every day while not knowing it and then it become to late."
You will please note that neither one of these assholes was protesting the immense number of people incarcerated for long periods for minor drug crimes. Neither one is protesting the immunized spying on Americans facilitated by the PATRIOT Act, or the warrentless searches, or the imprisonment without trial, or the torture. Losing rights? Losing rights, douchebag? You've lost more goddamn rights than a Jewish activist in Omsk and the only ones that have gotten your panties in a twist are the ones that have you prancing around with faux-military firearms like some sort of NRA-lobbyist's wet dream? Assholes.

3. The assholes cost me tax dollars. These assholes generated ten calls to the 9-1-1 center and at least one Portland Police Bureau stop. They also caused a lockdown at one of the daycares in Sellwood. At the very least the City ought to bill these assholes for the time lost checking out their little stroll and the daycare should hit them up for the classroom time lost to the entirely-reasonable fear that these idiots might pull another Newtown.

4. The assholes cost local businesses money; several locked up on the, again, not unreasonable suspicion that the jackholes might take it into their heads to rob them.

There's a good reason that one of the first rules of urban civil society is that we disarm. Our history of armed assholedom is way too long to kid ourselves about the good that some noble individual might do with a bullet-launcher. The sheer weight of assholery will bury him or her in a heartbeat.


An asshole with an attitude armed with feet and fists can be a problem. An asshole armed with a knife may be lethal.

And asshole with a firearm WILL be lethal at a much lower degree of difficulty than that required to kill you with an elbow, a cleaver, or an axe.

Frankly, I don't walk around with a firearm because I don't trust myself not to reach for it when some asshole gets up in my face. And I'm a smart guy who hates fighting and has outgrown the groinical-reflex phase of manhood; you bet your ass I don't trust YOU - who the hell knows what kind of person, or whacko, or nutter, you are.

And you want to walk around with rifles, assholes? My Army brothers are were doing just that at the very time you fuckers were; walking around with rifles in their hands. But they aren't walking around peaceful Sellwood. They were walking around some of the shittiest places on Earth, walking around them for no reason that will ever bring them joy, or peace, or wisdom, or riches. They were not being asked whether they want to walk those places. And some number of them will never come home alive or sound.

And yet, there you were, as greasy and stupid as a pork rind and as useless as an encyclopedia in a monkey-house, you arrogant pricks, shoving your blued-steel cocks in everyone's face in quiet Sellwood like the pathetic wannabe-soldier porn-fluffers you are.

Want to walk around with rifles, douchebags? I'll bet there's a street in Kabul where you'd find lots of people who'd love to see your sorry, lame, "gun rights extremist" ass walking down the street with rifles. And here's somebody to tell you what would happen to your sorry sad act;

Hurree Chunder Mookerjee, pride of Bow Bazaar,
Owner of a native press, "Barrishter-at-Lar,"
Waited on the Government with a claim to wear
Sabres by the bucketful, rifles by the pair.

Then the Indian Government winked a wicked wink,
Said to Chunder Mookerjee: "Stick to pen and ink.
They are safer implements, but, if you insist,
We will let you carry arms wheresoe'er you list."

Hurree Chunder Mookerjee sought the gunsmith and
Bought the tubes of Lancaster, Ballard, Dean, and Bland,
Bought a shiny bowie-knife, bought a town-made sword,
Jingled like a carriage-horse when he went abroad.

But the Indian Government, always keen to please,
Also gave permission to horrid men like these --
Yar Mahommed Yusufzai, down to kill or steal,
Chimbu Singh from Bikaneer, Tantia the Bhil;

Killar Khan the Marri chief, Jowar Singh the Sikh,
Nubbee Baksh Punjabi Jat, Abdul Huq Rafiq --
He was a Wahabi; last, little Boh Hla-oo
Took advantage of the Act -- took a Snider too.

They were unenlightened men, Ballard knew them not.
They procured their swords and guns chiefly on the spot;
And the lore of centuries, plus a hundred fights,
Made them slow to disregard one another's rights.

With a unanimity dear to patriot hearts
All those hairy gentlemen out of foreign parts
Said: "The good old days are back -- let us go to war!"
Swaggered down the Grand Trunk Road into Bow Bazaar,

Nubbee Baksh Punjabi Jat found a hide-bound flail;
Chimbu Singh from Bikaneer oiled his Tonk jezail;
Yar Mahommed Yusufzai spat and grinned with glee
As he ground the butcher-knife of the Khyberee.

Jowar Singh the Sikh procured sabre, quoit, and mace,
Abdul Huq, Wahabi, jerked his dagger from its place,
While amid the jungle-grass danced and grinned and jabbered
Little Boh Hla-oo and cleared his dah-blade from the scabbard.

What became of Mookerjee? Soothly, who can say?
Yar Mahommed only grins in a nasty way,
Jowar Singh is reticent, Chimbu Singh is mute.
But the belts of all of them simply bulge with loot.

What became of Ballard's guns? Afghans black and grubby
Sell them for their silver weight to the men of Pubbi;
And the shiny bowie-knife and the town-made sword are
Hanging in a Marri camp just across the Border.

What became of Mookerjee? Ask Mahommed Yar
Prodding Siva's sacred bull down the Bow Bazaar.
Speak to placid Nubbee Baksh -- question land and sea --
Ask the Indian Congressmen -- only don't ask me!


Assholes.

6 comments:

Leon said...

Why do the police over-react on unarmed civvies but not go ballistic at two twats armed with assault rifles?

FDChief said...

Well, Leon, it sounds like the Bureau DID dispatch a unit as soon as they got the first report. The officer checked these idiots over, (hopefully) checked with Medford - where the one asshole is supposedly a regular at this idiotic stunt - and then kept a eye on them for the rest of the day.

And it DOES sound like the Medford PD has gone pretty medieval on the one douche, but has gotten used to him over time. He does sound like a pretty ginormous nozzle.

I'll tell you what - given that I live about a block from my kids' school, had I seen these numbnuts strolling towards Monteith I'd have given them a 2nd Amendment enema with a Remington 870. Talk about freaking me out.

Lisa said...

Just read the review of The Baytown Outlaws. See the lede pix -- looks just like yours.

S'pose those lads are thinking, "Hey, lookie there --'ats me up on that silver screen. I ain't no bad dude"?

Billy Bob Thornton has done great things for the rednecks among us ...

herlanderwalking said...

If only we could wire all the Stupid to power plants...since it burns so bloody brightly.

Podunk Paul said...

Aaron Swartz’, who at the age of 14 did much of the work that made Reddit possible, took his own life. What a waste, what a tragedy for those who loved him. Another one of our best gone. His friends say that he suffered from depression. He was also scheduled to stand trial next month for violating the Jstor paywall behind which scholarly works are barricaded. Jstor contributes nothing to these works, nearly all of which were funded by taxpayers. The charges could have sent Swartz to prison for decades.

Somehow that sort of “justice” fits in the two AR-15 exhibitionists in Portland, who strut about intimidating people, while the cops sit idly by. But let them break into a Coke machine and, in Texas anyway, that’s a mandatory five years in the slammer.

FDChief said...

What gets me about these idiots, guys, is how they can't seem to "get" that one of the huge fundamentals of civil society ever since there has BEEN civil society is the principle of internal disarmament.

When we're all in the fucking Hobbesean State of Nature we HAVE to go armed; there is no Law, each one of us has to assume that the Other is both capable and willing of using force to overcome us and work their will on us.

Heinlein was full of shit; an armed society is by its nature an IMpolite society so long as at least one of those armed people believes he's (or, worse, really IS) capable of defeating the others in combat.

And we know from human history that there will ALWAYS be people who overestimate their skills or strengths. Or are just flat-out fucking stupid. Or drunk. Or impulsive. Or angry. Or nuts.

So let everyone go armed and you will, inevitably, have combat between the "armed citizen".

So the first thing that ANY civil society does is place a ring of armed soldiers between them and the outsiders...and then cajoles those INSIDE the ring to put their weapons away.

Because then you get to have your arguments, and drunks, and crazies...and while people may get hurt, they stand a good change of "not dying".

And these fuckers just don't get that.