Every once in a while I get my face rubbed in something that reminds me why I can't be what I probably should be; a crusty old conservative white guy.
Because I just don't get it. Who the hell gains anything from telling two other perfectly innocent people that they can't get married? I mean, goddamn it, we let freaking Michael Jackson get married.
In Mississippi we let cousins get married. Fourteen? Hell, Arkansas'll let you get married. Frankly, assuming that everyone involved is a consenting adult I can't see a reason to object (sorry, Arkansas, but I don't got yer back on this one...) Christ, we let everybody and his or her 86-year-old granny get married. All it seems to lead to is bad white-people-dancing, adultery, sexual ennui, missed parent-teacher meetings, and the sort of scenes you see in Viagra commercials. Sheesh. "Sacred"? Marriage? Like the Slurpee counter at a goddamn 7-Eleven it's "sacred". Ask friggin' Newt Gingrich how "sacred" marriage is.
But for some bizarre reason being a modern U.S. "conservative" means that you have to go into a whirling-twizzler hissy-fit if two guys or two gals want to marry each other. And for the life of me I don't get it.
I thought that "conservatives" were supposed to be all about tradition. And what the hell is the whole idea of "marriage" other than tradition? I mean, the damn thing was pretty much invented as a property deal. Until about two or three hundred years ago it was about "love" in the same way that going to a prostitute is about "love"; it was a ready-money transaction, only in this case between the families involved. And what's more Republican that that?
You'd think that U.S. conservatives would be all pants-peeing excited about all those lesbians and gays wanting to get married and buy a ranch house in the 'burbs and get a lawn mower and a Brittany spaniel and adopt a couple of kids and join the Rotary Club or the Lady Elks and get all honked off about their property taxes and how the City of Portland is building bike paths instead of another lane on Interstate Avenue.
But they don't.
The sad thing is that the "conservative" Supremes have a chance to look their "conservative" brethern in the eye this week and advise them to put their big-boy pants on, dry their widdle eyes, and get the fuck over it and there's not a chance in hell they will.
And that's a goddamn shame.
Because there's an old white guy over here that should be prime "conservative" material but can't get past the Himalayan-size mountain of bone-stupid that this sort of thing says about what being a "conservative" in this country stands for.