Monday, November 26, 2012


(N.B. - I apologize in advance for my bad Mandarin, but I had to guess at the Chinese word for "wolverine"...)
When I read that the MGM producers of the new Red Dawn remake had decided to bail on China as the replacement for the original concept of Soviet, Cuban, and (don't giggle, now...) Nicaraguan invaders in the wilds of West Buttfuck, Idaho I didn't so much as blink.

You can see why; the old Commies just ain't what they were, sure, and China...well, China is the Holy Grail of marketing. You can't make bank on selling Western movies to Chinese audiences when they are the baddies.

I tried to see them using some sort of Arab terrists but couldn't get past the whole "Successfully crossing an entire ocean full of U.S. carrier battle groups with civilian freighters loaded with a gajillion Al Qaeda tanks n' shit" concept.

I gotta admit, though; NORKs?

I didn't see that one coming.

But what I could, and did, see coming was this shit:
What makes this even more ridiculous is that in 1984 there really was a big, scary enemy out there that might have done a "red dawn" (OK, without the Nicaraguans, who would have maxed out the Texaco card halfway through Sinaloa). There really was a possibility that U.S. civilians might have had to choose between red and dead.

But...North Korea?
It's enough to make a fucking cat laugh.

Add to that the bone-stupid racism of the 2012 version AND a critical mass of the dummies who want to see it?

Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.

We don't have enough race problems with the mouth-breathing goobers and Republicans (but I repeat myself...) in the U.S. we need this?
All this and a remake of Sabrina, too?

Maybe the Bible-beaters are right; maybe we are living in the End of Times.



Leon said...

You weren't aware that the remake substituted NK instead of the Chinese? Heck, they already did this in a recent FPS (Homefront).

I just find it laughable. NK being the invaders is about as plausible as Togo or French Guiana.

basilbeast said...


Lisa said...

And of course, Kim Jong-un being voted the sexiest man alive (the Onion) hints at the amount of explosive testerone-fueled machismo behind such an attack ...

FDChief said...

Yeah, it was the whole NORK thing that I goggled at. You could almost buy the Nicaraguans in the original providing you were willing to play along with the whole paranoid commies-under-the-bed foundation for the goof.

But the DPRKA as the mighty invader of North America? It's like The Mouse The Roared only NOT played for laughs. Which, in turn, makes it even MORE laughable.

But the degree of mindless racism truly makes me roll my eyes. I know that there are lots of romm temperature IQs out there. I know a lot of them are attached to the sort of people who would WANT to see this dog. But, really, hate Japanese, Koreans, Chinese, Thais, Vietnamese...everyone who sports an epicanthic fold? Really? Because of a weapons-grade moronic fuckin' movie?

I hope these people are not allowed to operate heavy machinery unsupervised.

Brian said...

I scored a couple of free tickets to a sneak preview of this and took my son for his 18th birthday, because we'd had so much fun poking holes in the many absurdities of the original.

I reviewed it and my thoughts here:

I much preferred the original, for several reasons given there.

Leon above is right, the story line is the same as the Homefront video game (which always used Norks as enemies and was released in 2010, the year that this film was supposed to come out) and my son said he had heard that the two were originally to come out at the same time.