Got back late
yesterday from a week of drilling outside Skagway, Alaska.
VERY weird
place; it's like a Gold Rush theme park complete with boatloads of
tourists.
I couldn't help thinking how the "gold rush" was awful -
guys desperate because the economy sucked, being cheated and fleeced by an
army of grifters, and most of them going home broke after a miserable
time.
It's like a Disneyland "Great Depression" ride. Who wants that?
Apparently lots of people!
Anyway, regarding the troubles.
In the 22-plus years we've been married there are times when my Bride sort of...goes away.
She retreats within herself, barricades herself behind her tablet reading, doesn't engage. She's not nasty or rude about it, but she withdraws from our marriage more than a bit.
The result is that eventually I come to her. Ask her how she's doing. Remind her that it's hard to do things together if we're not, y'know, together.
She always acknowledges what is happening, and slowly re-emerges and we're back together.
About a month ago I noticed that she was doing this again. This time the problem was exacerbated by chores from the big remodel that needed "couple" sorts of inputs; paint colors, decor, that sort of thing. So, again, I sat down on a Friday evening, got her attention, reminded her of what she was doing, and asked for her to re-engage with me. She said she needed to think and she'd reply the next day.
Saturday morning she and I went down to the Willamette, where she told me that she had looked into herself and could find no more love. No dearness. No "us" there.
I asked her if she was sure.
She said she was.
I was stunned.
Before I left I
asked Mojo to take the week to consider whether we had a chance at finding a way back
together, either rekindling what we had, or finding something new.
Last Saturday I couldn't wait; I called and asked for her decision.
It was "no".
So we're done.
Tomorrow we go
see our financial planner to get the bad news. The best I can hope for,
frankly, is be able to find a way to not die homeless. We're looking at
having to practically double our expenses without increasing our income
unless I can find someone who will hire me full- or at least part-time
and right now that's not looking promising.
I'd like to
rage and scream. I'd like to be mad at how unfair this all seems...but
the only thing I can really be frustrated with is that Mojo, like my first wife before her, said nothing to let me know that her love for me was
dying (or I was helping to kill it and how).
With my...well, soon-to-be-FIRST-ex...at
least there were priors to explain why; we had very mismatched responses
to stress; I got angry, she'd withdraw, and so she kept everything
inside until she was just done and past done.
But my Bride KNEW
that!
And she knew that - had I known what was happening with The First Mrs. Lawes, had
I known with Mojo now - I'd have done whatever I could; pretty much made
myself over, made our marriage over, done whatever I could to prevent
that death of love.
Well...it's too late. It's
done now, and all I'm left with is grief. And the hope that I can, at
least, endure that grief under a roof somewhere and not under a bridge.
Sorry, I know that's bleak. But right now things look pretty bleak.
