Brewed Dudes, or, Excuse me, waiter, but my coffee has a pistol in it

 In order:
1) "SS" is "America's Coffee"? WTF? Hello? "Sounds better in the original German" much?
2) If you're calling the sound of a suppressed semiauto pistol "smooth" you either a) have never heard one, or
b) have no respect for the intelligence of your audience.
3) Ammosexuals are deeply weird people.

I’ve seen these guys around the Internet but I've never bothered with them because
1) we roast better coffee here and
2) I’ve never been comfortable around people with assault rifle fetishes because
a) if you’re gonna have a kink for God's sake have a sexual kink, because they’re more fun, and
b) I ran a battery of 105mm howitzers, fucknozzles, and I’ll see your pissy little 5.56 and raise you four goddam inches. 

 

Fire for effect, bitches!

Loose shoes, and a warm place to shit.

In case you didn't quite get what all the singing and dancing was about, it's an ad for something called a "vaginal rejuvenation" gel called 18 Again. The product website claims that:

"18 Again is very effective for tightening of the vagina. Along with tightening, it provides vaginal rejuvenation, improves strength and grip of the vagina, helps prevent infections, encourages natural lubrication, masks foul odour, reduces involuntary urine escape, improves blood circulation, delays effects of ageing and keeps the vagina healthy."

I have to say that this is perhaps the weirdest commercial product I've run into since the crotch-bleach stuff (which was also an Indian thing...is something going on in Mumbai that I'm just not getting..?) and the damn adult wet-wipes that got your beaver more wood or something.

I mean, thinking about this in a sort of cold-bloodedly sexual fashion I get how the whole "happiness is a tight pussy" pitch these people are making for their product could work. It plays into the human obsession with sex and bizarre ways to make it bigger, faster, harder, and better. When you think about it this gloop isn't all that much different from the old Johnnie Holmes pecker-pump gimmicks you used to see advertised in skin mags or skeevy scandal sheets.

Not to mention the subject of a gajillion jokes like the one I used for the title that got ol' Earl Butz canned.

(And just as an aside, now there was a deeply evil Republican bastard. We'll get back to him in a bit, I promise...)

I can see how people would buy this stuff.

But below the surface there just seems to be something deeply...wrong...about the whole idea of this goop and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Is it simply the usual lazy human nonsense of expecting a magic cream to do magic to your body instead of hard work? Buying a magic belt instead of sit-ups? Buying magic pills instead of laying off the cupcakes? Buying magic goop instead of patiently doing a whole bunch of Kegel exercises?

Or is it the other usual lazy human nonsense, the masculine nonsense of treating a woman like a product that has a sell-by date and is useless after that, worthless until she's "eighteen again", tight and taut and virginal?

I don't know which is sadder.

But I know the whole business makes me shake my head just like the ginzo-bleach and the dingus-wipes.

Sometime I think human beings are the strangest goddamn monkey on the whole goddamn island.

Sapiens, my ass.

(Shakes head)

Posted (almost) without comment, the images released with Playtex's "Fresh + Sexy Wipes" ad campaign:



Don't have a beaver? How 'bout this, then, you dirty boy:



And we know how much you like that plump, juicy, delicious peach...



So you mean the whole time the secret to getting all that freaky action was to carry around a pack of those fruity-smelling baby wipe things to swab my junk with? Christ on a crutch, how come nobody told me that when my kids were still in goddamn diapers?!?

I...I...there's really no words for this that these gawdawful ads don't say, is there?

Cleaning up at the Y

I was born in 1957, meaning that, like most of you, I've lived my entire life in the Television Era. So over the course of more than a half-century I've seen some very odd things advertized on the cathode-ray tube. But this one is perhaps as peculiar as I've ever seen:Apparently it's from India, where, shockingly, Indian people live.

And some of these people are, surprisingly, women. And, even more stunning, some of these women have dark skin which is - astounding, yes, I know - somewhat darker in places. Specifically, around their crotch.

So here's how the blogger Deepanjana Pal at Mumbai Boss Explains it All to You:

"The ad shows a woman...looking mournful because her vagina is dark, like the cup of coffee she’s holding in her hands. The suggestion is that her depression is intensified by the fact that she has a disinterested partner who would rather drink coffee than, well, her. Cut to the depressed woman looking much happier as she goes for a shower. At this point we see an animation. It shows us a hairless, feminine crotch (with gravity-defying rose petals in the background, if you please)...once the animated crotch is whitened courtesy Clean and Dry, the woman emerges in a pair of shorts and proceeds to jump on a sofa and stuff her partner’s car keys into her shorts. This is, apparently, how women communicate they are available and have suitably tinted vaginas. Mine, incidentally, is thoroughly disapproving of such products and actions. (The only place that a car key should be stuffed is in the ignition.)"

This is entirely mystifying to me. What IS this bizarre obsession we hairless monkeys seem to have with...well, our hairy bits?

I mean sex, yeah, I get it. We're obsessed with each others' swiving equipment, and I can understand that. But it's the bizarre need we men - and it is men; first because both television and advertising are still largely run by guys and, second, I can't for the life of me imagine a woman standing at the bathroom mirror staring down at her groin and musing "Gee, I wish I was...not so...dark down there..." - seem to have with fiddling with our mom's, wives', girlfriend's, daughter's, and female strangers' reproductive areas.

I mean, first it was "merkins", and now..."Clean and Dry", so your puff-puff

(which, by the way, is what we call the lady parts around the Fire Direction Center; for some reason the Boy decided that while he had a "wiener" the former was the correct terminology for his mom's wedding tackle. After we stopped giggling hysterically we decided we liked the silliness of the term so it stuck. Hence a 54-year-old man referring to his lover's Mount of Venus by what sounds like the given name of a calico kitten...)

can be delicately pale and dainty?

Dear.

Fucking.

God.

It just seems truly damn strange to me, in an intellectual fashion.

But...I think if I was female I'd feel a little more strongly about it;But maybe that's just me. Opinions, gals?

It is, mate. It is.

It's 7:18pm on a Saturday and I just got through working.So I'm off for a bit of the lager, eh? It's lovely!

(h/t to Erik Loomis over at LG&M for the lovely old advert)

I served...

...in the wrong damn Army.

I worked with some fine female soldiers. Many of them were terrific people. Several of them were very physically attractive, as well. But never in my craziest dreams would I have described them as "better than professional model."

Let others make war; you, happy China, make gorgeous troopers better than professional model!

(h/t to Fallows)

Keep Calm and Carry On

Just a bit of the brilliance from "Diskin's Timbers Propaganda"Lovely work, but, then, I've always been a sucker for classic propaganda and advertising imagesDon't know where he found the magnificent canned beans ad, but who the hell thought you'd want to eat beans that Damien the Antichrist Kid recommended?Makes you proud to be Portland...and to take us out, here's his version of the iconic poster that gives this post its title:"We'll sing for you, Timbers...'til you finish the fight..."

We Are Timbers

The Timbers organization has been running an ad campaign this fall and winter called "We Are Timbers"; I talked about it back in December of last year. The billboards are all over Portland, and it's turning out to be a great campaign; eye-catching and interesting, as well as putting a local face on the team and its fans.

Well, last week the team took the next step, opening the team shop to fans who wanted to get their pictures taken in the advertising format. Some of these pictures were posted on the team's Facebook site, and they're so much fun I had to repost some of them here to give you a feel for them, starting with these young Portlandia-somethings. Perfect way to begin; very Timbers ArmyI don't know why I like the look on this guy's face so much. It's almost...pained? Confused? I don't know, but the combination of the look and all the fan paraphernalia is the interesting part for me.Whoa. Does she jump off the page at you, or what?

Some people can look devastating anytime, anywhere.

Oof.This guy looks so awkwardly serious, and his little girl looks so...well, like a little girl in a strange place with a father or grampa holding an axe.

Yep.These two look like they're planning to kidnap Justin Bieber. Lot of teen stuff going on here.The Women. Does this look like three generations of Timbers Army troopers or what?I love that this guy turned out in his business suit; I hope he was just at the office downtown and popped out for lunch to get his picture taken.I am in love with this woman; she's SO intense and dark; she practically lights the page with black fire. There's something about a woman who looks this serious, smart, and intent, I dunno what it is, but she's a knockout.Timbers; American Gothic.There's one of these guys in very crowd of guys under forty. No, under fifty. Sixty? No, in any crowd of guys. Period.The Portland Couple; a little gauche, a little cool, a little attitude, a little sweetness.What can you say? The only thing cuter than a cute kid is a cute kid with an axe.I like to end with this woman because she seems to be everything that I think about when I think about Portland; neat, small, smart, kind of cool, a little undisciplined. Nerdy in a sexy way, sexy but in a nerdy way. Knows the game but knows there's more to life than the game, but knows that the thing about soccer is that the game IS like life; a wild rumpus with a purpose, hard work, inspiration, discipline and chaos, moments of shattering joy interrupted by moments of bottomless despair.The town is ready, the team is ready, the fans and supporters here are ready; we ARE Timbers.

I don't know about you, but I'm already excited! Let's go, Timbers; "Rose City 'Til I Die!"

I dreamed I was advertising in my Maidenform bra...

How's your relationship working out?Read anything good lately?Check it out.

No Pity

Spring, 2011I'm already excited.

Axe to the Head

So remember the "No Pity" scarf billboard?

Here's the latest addition;I don't know quite what to think.

I like the graphic, but why the babe (other than the general likeability of babes in general)? Why not kit her out in a Timbers strip? With the blue shirt (and if you don't recognize the logo in the lower right) she looks more like she's flogging some sort of "Don't Go In The Woods" Paulette Bunyan-the-Slasher flick.

Here's a thought: how about reproducing this only with Timbers fans in the same pose? Moms, kids, dudes, dudettes...make the connection. Are you listening, Timbers marketeers?

In The Rose City

there's...I love this billboard for the pure opacity of it. This is the back side of the official Timbers Army scarf.But the thing is, you wouldn't know that unless you are familiar with the team and its supporters. Which means you probably already support the team.

So as marketing, I'm not sure if this isn't a fail.

But as a symbol of the great soccer spirit here in the Rose City, it's a 5-nil winner.

Mmmm...Lard.

It's what's for dinner.