Showing posts with label random 10. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random 10. Show all posts

Saturday, August 16, 2014

Friday Random Ten

Somehow the knuckleheads grading one of our sites up in Ridgefield, Washington just got some crushed rock delivered today that, oh, by the way, needs to have compaction testing Monday. Which means that I need to get the lab testing done by then, and this particular lab test (called a "Proctor", ASTM D 1557) takes about 2-3 hours over two days at least.

Which means I'm working this weekend. Thanks, dummies, thanks for nothin'.

Anyway, it does give me a chance to blog. The sad fact is that I don't have any particular thing very compelling to blog about. So you'll have to make do with my meandering about. Feel free to give me a slap upside the head in the comments if this pisses you off in a particular way. So, in no particular order, here's what I've been up to/thinking about lately.
I am just never going to make a living repairing appliances. This was conclusively proven the past week beginning the night that my wife and daughter attempted a "special baking project" (it sounds better in the original German - Sonderbackenprojekt!) that - whatever the hell it was - proceeded to goosh all over the inside of the oven. Including all over the lower, baking, heating coil.

Well, I pulled out all the racks and turned on the self-cleaning setting and was fairly irked to find tha next morning that the damn thing was still filthy. Which was explained when I pulled on the baking coil and it came apart in my hand. Apparently whilst the Sonderbackenprojekt was an abject failure as baked good it worked like a charm as a corrosive on the coil.

Well. Fuckadoodledoo. Fortunately these heating elements are all plug-in and out, so I reached in, undid the two little self-tapping screws that held the element in place and pulled it out.

And arced electricity right across the live wire at the back to the interior of the oven casing; immediately the clock display on the control panel went dark.
Shit.

As it turns out, the particular type of Frigidaire oven does NOT have plug-in-and-out heating coils, and I now had not just a broken coil but a fried microchip that controlled the whole magilla. I had effectively toasted $500 worth of oven/range.

This meant a week of take-out Mexican, Chinese, and Thai, and a trip to the local appliance warehouse store. The new stove arrives tomorrow, and the old one is going off in the appliance dead-cart to whatever sad plague-pit appliances that have been short-circuited by idiot homeowners go. We are $500 poorer and I feel like a total fucking nimrod.
Following this story its hard to figure out which part pisses me off more. The fact that, as a citizen, it pisses me off that the damn coppers dressed up in soldier gear? That in the crappy Missouri town these ding-dongs seem to think that the way to deal with their enraged citizens is to act like soldiers, complete with Army Man gear and surplus military vehicles? I mean, damn, boys. We beat the living daylights out of 250-pound Cuban crossdressers up at Fort Indiantown Gap with nothing more than those big plastic Roman-style riot shields and big long riot batons and that was when we really were soldiers. You're supposed to be there to enforce civil law, not retake fuckin' Fallujah or thump the heads of dangerously psycho Cuban detainees. As a citizen of a notional republic the last thing I want to see is my cops acting like ersatz soldiers; that's why there IS a civil law.
(And for the record, the basic problem isn't about cops or soldiers but race; Jim Wright at Stonekettle Station said it first and better than I ever could, so I'll just link to him and leave with the observation that unlike Jim, I have no problem being cynical and pessimistic about our country. We've spend 300 years whistling past that graveyard, what in hell would make anyone think we're going to change now? Us white folks are still the boss and we'd have to invest an immense amount of cash, time, and lives in making the United States a different place for our black citizens, and if there's one thing people are good at it's avoiding things that take time and effort and thought and doing the easy pleasant things even if the long-term results are very, very bad. That's why we miss our prostate exams. That's why we choose to have sex even if it means fucking crazy people. That's why we buy cheap shit off the Internet. Good luck getting those kinds of people to solve a 300-year-old race problem.)
Or is it the fact that as an old soldier, it pisses me off to see the coppers doing such a shitty job playing soldier? Having a flak vest and a K-pot doesn't make you a GI, dumbfuck. If these negroes really were as badass as your faux-Army outfits suggest they are? They'd mop the damn floor with you, all bunched up and standing around exposed to gunfire. It's like half of these so-called "SWAT teams" that seem to be thrown at everything from serving a summons to busting a loud party; just having a bunch of neat-o GI gear and two days a year "tactical training" doesn't make you actually good at soldiering.
Which is good, because you're not a fucking soldier. You're a cop. Officer Friendly. You're not supposed to be storming the Rhine or retaking Hue'. Put the GI clobber back in the locker and go find yourself a nightstick, for cryin'outloud.

Jesus wept.

Speaking of civilians, sod this for a game of soldiers;
"When Smedinghoff and the others walked through the base’s south gate that morning of April 6, 2013, they turned left and headed to where they thought the school was. But a guard at the compound door where they knocked said they needed to go to another door, so the group turned around and headed back the way they came, the report states.

They were caught in the initial blast at about 11 a.m., when a remote-controlled bomb hidden under a pallet that was leaned up against the base’s southern wall detonated.

Five to 10 seconds after that initial blast, a man driving a blue Toyota — who the report states had been shooed away from the gate when the group was leaving the base — drove within the formation of soldiers and civilians and blew up his car, gravely injuring Smedinghoff, the interpreter and the three soldiers, among others.

Smedinghoff suffered a pelvic fracture, an open wound on her right lower leg and a severe hip injury but was “awake and alert” during the medic chopper flight to a nearby larger base, according to the report. But her blood pressure plummeted due to internal bleeding, and she died at 1:02 p.m."
It sounds like this entire day was a complete and utter goatscrew from before the get-go:
“Planning for the mission failed to provide enough detail for an operation that included a “Senior Civilian Representative” such as Addleton, according to the report. The pre-mission activities did not have the proper focus because the routine nature of this patrol led to a sense of complacency by the civilians and military leadership,” the report states. The report says State Department officials shared a lot of information with Afghan government officials regarding precise departure times from the base that morning and Addleton’s VIP inclusion. The military did not share such information with the Afghans, the report states."
"The military did not share such information with the Afghans."

No shit, Sherlock. And all so the Scholastic, Inc. book people could get some happy snaps?
What a friggin' hot mess.


It looks like our Portland Thorns FC may end their season early, and largely because they were unable to put away the bottom-feeders in the NWSL this year. I've had fun as the Thorns "beat writer" for Slide Rule Pass this season and I will be disappointed if the team's year ends this Sunday. The Thorns have been the consensus pick for the past two years of women's pro soccer and both years have seen much more difficulty and drama than they should have. Portland loves this team; we routinely draw ten thousand or more in a league where four or five thousand is a huge crowd; hopefully the front office will recognize that as special as it is and move to address the difficulties in the off-season.
Giving me more to write about, of course; I'm a fan, but as a writer I'm as selfish and parasitic as the next writer...

Speaking of soccer players, I was reading something about one of our Portland players and the article noted that she wore size five soccer cleats.

She's not a small woman, and it reminded me of stopping off at the old Adidas store, back when it was in MLK, and they had a pair of Tiffany Milbrett's boots and I'd swear they were like a size four. Tiny. Now, admittedly, Milbrett was a dinky thing, five-two or thereabouts, but I couldn't get over how tiny her feet were; her cleats were like kid's shoes.

And it seems to me that in general we American and European guys typically have a thing about women being small and dainty. Back in the day ol' John Suckling described his ideal babe this way:

"Her feet beneath her petticoat
Like little mice stole in and out,
As if they feared the light..."


Bob Herrick (the "gather ye rosebuds while ye may" guy, a contemporary of Suckling's) said:

"Her pretty feet, like snails, did creep
A little out, and then,
As if they played at bo-peep,
Did soon draw in again"


Leaving out the kind of gross image of snail-feet, we're obviously talking teensy little size threes here. These gals aren't clomping around in some boondockers.

And it occurred to me that I totally don't get the whole "tiny feet" thing.

I mean, I like women, and I generally like women's feet. They're usually pretty, especially since you typically tend them better than we do and keep them neat and groomed. But a full-size woman with teeny-tiny little feet? She'd seem...well, unfinished, to me, anyway.

I just don't see women as something decorative. They're nice to look at, yes. But more than half the fun in life is doing things, right? And who wants to do them alone and then come back and tell your inamorata about your adventure? Isn't it more fun to adventure together? A big, strong, adventurous woman needs big, strong arms and legs with big, strong hands and feet to go adventuring...or play soccer, or hike, or swim. Well, maybe not soccer; Milbrett did pretty damn well in her tiny size fours.

But in general, give me a woman built for comfort and for speed, rather than for daintiness. And that includes the shoe size.
But maybe that's just me.

The crap we take from computers never fails to astound me. At the moment it's another fine Microsoft product, the calendar widget that goes with the Office e-mail application, "Outlook".

Or, in this case, doesn't go. My company "upgraded" to Office 365 in the spring. It's a kludgy mess, slow and buggy, and I try and avoid using the 365 apps whenever possible.

But I can't avoid using the e-mail, and with three offices in two states in order to schedule anything we have to depend on an on-line gimmick. The problem being that within a month or so of "upgrading" Outlook lost the shared calendar. Literally; when I opened the damn thing the folders just weren't there.

Our IT guy, who is sort of a maroon, spent an entire month dicking around with various Microsoft IT people supposedly fixing the thing. He finally came trotting proudly in with this "fix" this week which required about eleven restarts of Outlook. After the twelfth, though, there they were. We had our calendars back.

Sorta.

While I could see them again, I could actually do anything with them; couldn't add an item to the schedule, couldn't delete or change one. The "fix" was completely worthless other than finding the shared calendar folder and retrieving it, like a dead field mouse to lay on the bedspread. Gah.

Since we were talking about women's bodies - okay, well, their feet - I ran across this picture the other day:

That's Gary Player. Guy has to be, what, about 97? Kidding, no, he's probably in his seventies. Still...damn, I'd like to be in that kind of shape in my seventies.

As it is I'm finding it hard to just keep my shape. The bad hip means it's hard to do any sort of aerobic exercise. So I have to rely on diet, and dieting pretty much sucks; it's kind of like starvation, only with food. But, still, even with good diet and exercise it gets more difficult to keep in shape the older I get.

I think I've mentioned this before, but perhaps the single most irritating part of aging is finding things that my body no longer wants to do willingly, or, worse, wants to do at all. Physical activities that I took for granted, from just getting out of bed to getting in and out of a vehicle, are no longer simple. For example, I have a very hard time entering and leaving a small car from the passenger side. My right leg bends so slowly, and so little, that I have actually had to use my arms to lift and turn it to get inside.

Have you any idea how irking that is? Rrrrrrr.

Oh, one last thing I almost forgot; Mojo went to a timber carnival last weekend.


Do you have those where you are?

They're definitely a Northwest (and upper Midwest) sort of thing, a combination of small-town festival and logging field day. With the end of hand-logging they are also a sort of historical celebration of the old skills that once earned a living in the woods; buck-sawing, climbing and topping, axe-work such as springboard and block chopping, and choker-setting.
It's all very commercial now; most of the competitors are itinerant athletes rather than local boys showing off. But the "Logger's Jubilee" in the little Washington town of Morton sounds like it still retained some of the small-town flavor. Mojo enjoyed it, basking in all the manly loggery goodness and getting prettily pink from the sun.

And as for me?

Well, Friday has turned to Saturday, my Proctors are done, and so is this post.

I have another ready to go, though. So I'll be back most quick smart.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

10 Scary Things

Well, I waved goodbye to the Dark Lord of the Sith, his sister fairy-princess-ballerina, scary Dead Guy (Peeper's friend Vincy), Vin's parents and Mojo as they set out to rid North Portland of candy.

The trout saute'd up delightfully in butter with garlic and Hawaiian alaea salt, the basmati rice was rich and savory, and the snap peas crisp amid the abundance of mushrooms and onion. I'm still anticipating the pumpkin pie and whipped cream as I write this.

So far the trick-or-treaters have been thin on the ground, which gives me a little time to reflect on the week past and the weekend thus far.

1. Enjoyed the company of my friend Brent as Arsenal took advantage of some incomprehensibly awful Tottenham defending to take the first game of the North London "darby" as the British incomprehensibly pronounce what we'd call a "derby". Not sure what it said about the Arse, whose fragility and lack of focus has been remarked on severally, including over here at Pandagoal (hey - how about some new postings, Pandagoalians?) but it said something fairly personal and pretty uncomplimentary about the Spurs place in the English "top four".Tottenham looked awful; tentative, mazy and generally lost. They never threatened, they never even looked in the match. Fortunately the Talisker and Brent's delicious fig-and-vanilla (and clove-and-cinnamon) infused bourbon made up for the sloppy Spurs play.

Of course, my Newcastle United lads aren't even in the Premiership this season...but we'll be back! Toon Army !

2. In other soccer news, I see that the USWNT managed to sneak past the German gals 1-0, predictably on an Abby Wambach header.I'm not sure I like this; the idea that the women are again relying on Wambach up front to provide them with their goalscoring...and, since the match report said that "...Germany earlier wasted a half-dozen clear opportunities and dominated most of the match..." we can assume that the U.S. midfield was swanning about or simply absent.

There's no real challenge ahead, given the span until the next WWC. But I reflect grimly on the U.S. gals' returning to the dreary "Wambach-and-three-days-of-rain" style that typified the pre-Sundhage Era. Let's hope the result is just a blip.

3. Important safety tip: DO NOT carve your jack-o-lanterns ten days ahead of Halloween if you live in a Mediterranian climate. The foul resulting wilt, mold and collapse will not endear the holiday to you.

4. I'm excited for the Rose City Rollers, and yet, frustrated because they sold out the Hanger for their last bout! We tried to get in and failed, which sucked for us, but is terrific for the rollergirls. Get some, Rollers! Great to see a genuine sport played by gals who hustle for love of the solid hits - as opposed to the whatever-their-name-is outfit that plays for big money at the big barn next to I-5. Go, Rollers!

5. I think I've found the answer to a parenting dilemma: how do you deal with your kids' desperate need to go to Chuck E. Cheese without going utterly mad? Here's four simple things that help:
a. Feed them first - so you don't have to touch the awful food there.
b. Make the expedition part of a larger agenda, so you don't have to linger.
c. Go in the late morning or early afternoon - the mob scene is less.
d. Restrict their tokens, so they play their games and go.We've been to the Chuckster thrice in a month now, and every time it was quick, easy and painless. I think we've got that sucker wired.

6. Important safety tip #2: do NOT let your son hand out Halloween candy. We had an immense 8-quart saucepan full of the stuff until a half dozen spirits and spooks showed up and the Peep took charge of the candy pot. The thing came back from the front door with two - two - tiny Snickers bars inside. We had to raid the little girl's swag when our neighbors' kids arrived and then quickly tun out the porch light.

7. Which reminds me of my favorite Halloween story. I was living in Wilmington, Delaware at the time, and our apartment was at the edge of a pretty sketchy neighborhood so we had few few little trick-or-treaters. Late in the evening I heard a knock and opened the door to find two little kids in their street clothes, one about seven with a black oval party mask on, the other about five without any trace of a costume at all.

"Trick or treat" the older kid mumbled slightly ashamedly.

I dropped a couple of candy bars on them.

"What is your costume, dude?" I asked the older boy. He looked up at me like I was slightly retarded, like I'd asked him whether it was dark out.

"I'm Batman" he rasped, in a pretty good imitation of Michael Keaton or whothehellever was playing Batman that year. I nodded to what I assumed was his little brother. "Who's he supposed to be?"

"He's the Joker." replied big brother. I laughed.

"No way, kid. I've seen the movie, the Joker has a white face and purple clothes, little guy doesn't look anything like the Joker."

Big kid gave me that slightly-retarded look again and replied;

"That's the joke."

He got an extra Snickers for that.

8. Mmmm. Pumpkin pie is what the Gods ate on Olympus.

9. I had something really witty for this one but I forgot it.

10. Oh, yeah, wait. Here it is.

Three guys are arguing about humanity's greatest invention. The first insists on fire, the second on atomic power. The third suggests the thermos bottle.

"WTF?" his buddies ask.

"Think about it!" says the first guy; "It keeps the hot stuff hot AND the cold stuff cold."

"No shit, Sherlock" reply his pals, "What do you think a thermos bottle does?"

"Yes..." replies the guy, "...but how does it know?"

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Sunday Random Ten

The grandparents are here! The grandparents are here!

As usual when the in-laws show up, life has taken on a sort of random, meandering quality. So in honor of this weird evntful non-event, I'm just sitting here with Little Miss in the background watching "Dora the Explorer" (or as she describes it, "DoradoradoratheExplorer!" pulling over the random things I've been thinking about.

1. How is it that a little girl can be adorable and yet stubbornly impossible at the same time?

2. Having just posted a long rumination about the Tour de France, I was amused to see that the great race has also had its great cheats, in particular Hippolyte Acouturier,

whose notion of drafting one of the race vehicles by tying a wire to the bumper and holding the other end in his teeth pretty much fits the description in the article: "While simply catching a ride from a car is an undeniably effective way to win a bicycle race, its lack of deniability and general dumb shit blatancy severely detract from this being a usable method of cheating." Deplore the man's ethics if you will, but you have to respect both his ingenuity and his craziness.

3. I picked up earlier that the Transportation Security people have now got adorable little uniforms and steenkin' badges and everything, but, really, THISis ridiculous. TSA peeps, repeat after me: I am not a copper. I am not a copper. I am not..."

4. Is it a relict of our arboreal days that we learn to throw fairly quickly (if not accurately, at least not all of us) but catching seems to be a late-developing skill?

5. Has anyone else thought lately about the cell phone as the pocketwatch of the 21st Century?I know that I don't wear a wristwatch anymore, and am pretty much timeless when out of cell range. IS this happening to everyone, or is it just me?

6. I'm not sure I can stand much more politics as usual. When the so-called health care "debate" centers around lies about euthanasia for seniors and ginned-up riots at town halls, I'm afraid that the state of American political give-and-take is so deteriorated as to make the antics of the Imperial Roman senate look like the deepest cogitation of the great philosophers.

7. If you haven't seen Swiper the Fox dressed up as a giant hot dog, you haven't...I'm not sure what you haven't, but you haven't something. One of the more interesting things about having kids later in life is it gives you perspective on the stuff you loved as a kid.And, frankly, that perspective isn't real flattering sometimes. Much - perhaps most - of what gets fed to kids is utter crap. Dora the Explorer is actually more tolerable than most, but the whole notion of Dora as a tween idol? Hmmm...not so much.

8. We here at the Fire Direction Center seem to be singlehandedly supporting the commercial rock industry in Northwest Oregon. This may or may not be a good thing. But the results are pleasing. What is it about people that we seem largely unable to resist the impulse to fiddle with the vista that nature presents us.

I wonder if some far future archaeologist will find the stones we've laid and scratch her head, trying to figure out what the hell those odd primitives were up to.

9. One thing I just don't get about the politics of natural resources is the whole "drill, baby, drill" and the Right's attitude of "Nothing to see here, move along, there's noting going on..." I've been thinking about this with the recent curvetting about over Detroit bailouts, green energy and oil drilling leases off California. I mean, petroleum geology is a specialty but the overall geology of petroleum isn't rocket science. Biomass requires geologic levels of pressure and temperature to transform organic hydrocarbon to keratin and then petroleum. This HAS to happen in geologic time; a minimum of thousands of years, and more likely tens of thousands. I've never read of a petroleum source younger than Pliocene age (>1.8 million years old).

So think about the chronology of petroleum in the Industrial Age: essentially ALL the petroleum used by Man has been used between 1850 and today, a period of 150 years. To go from exploration to production to consumption takes a barrel of oil perhaps forty years and typically as little as twenty.

Do the math: 1 million years plus to make it, twenty to use it.

We're running out of oil. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week. But not that long from now.

So we can either pretend that we're not and get gobsmacked by the Post-petroleum Era. Or not. Go figure which will be less painful.

10. Interesting conversation with my daughter this morning. She was playing her favorite game, pretending to be a baby. So I asked her: do you remember what it was like when you were a real baby. And she replied (translated from the Maxine): "I was in a school and there are lots of grownups and no other babies and they didn't want to see me being a baby."Hmmm. THAT's interesting. She's an intriguing little girl. I hope to be around long enough to know the woman she grows into.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Thursday Random 10

It's been a strange week here at the Fire Direction Center.

1. Migraines are scary things. In the course of 4 hours I went from being married to a strong, vital, funny, sexy, smart woman to being the servant of a blind, insensate thing that burrowed from light and sound and was barely capable of movement and coherant thought. And, of course, our friends and neighbors were terrific. "OHMIGOD!" cried Mary, a friend from daycare, "My husband had a horrible headache and it turned out to be viral meningitis!!!"Ummmm...thanks for that, Mary...

Mojo is slowly recovering, but she still says she feels "hung-over", and she was wandering around this morning in her bathrobe and sunglasses looking like a cute, buxom, white Stevie Wonder with bedhead. Thank God the little peeps have been wonderfully gentle with mommy's "head owie", creeping quietly past the bedroom and refraining from leaping on Mommy like she was a pink bouncy house with legs like they usually do.

Oh, just so you know - the "anti-migraine knife"? The migraine part was a hollow handle with camphor in it, a 19th Century specific for headache. I don't think it was bad enough for...naaah.

2. I can't imagine anything that speaks as eloquently of the destitution of the political life in this, the last stages of our Republic, as the "debates" our candidates have been having.

The Palin-Biden "debate" was a joke, what with the utter incompetence of Gwen Ifil to ask anything of substance or follow up on anything else, particularly Palin's blatant refusal to answer questions on subects that she should have been prepared for but clearly knew nothing about.

But the two presidential sideshows have been ridiculous, too, with the parade of talking points and unrefuted spin and outright lies - albeit mostly from the now-desperate McCain, looking ever more like a whacked out bus station psycho missing his meds - that served, possibly, to inform someone who managed to completely miss the preceding nine months of campaigning.

That these pathetic freak shows have been accepted as a legitimate part of the campaign is a telling observation on the barrenness of our national discourse. Its one thing to be lied to by fools. Its quite another thing to demand that you be lied to and treated like a fool. Another thing entirely.

3. And, speaking of loathesome campaign bullshit,

I can't believe that Sarah Palin's "John McCain knows how to win a war" wasn't treated as a laugh line.

Last time I checked, when the enemy shoots you down, they are generally conceded to have "won" that particular encounter. Got it? You shoot them, you won. They shoot you, they won. So by cratering that rice paddy with his aircraft, John McCain did about as much to "win" the war he fought in as George B. MacClellan. But I suppose that you could stretch the incident to represent McCain's having done his bit to take out a $40,000 North Vietnamese antiaircraft missile by...ummm...flying his $2.5 million dollar aircraft into it.

Reminds me of the throwaway bit in the original Rocky where Mick (Burgess Meredith) notices that Rocky has a chintzy new pre-fight dressing gown with an enormous meat packing logo on the back,

and asks what his fighter got for being a walking shill for his brother-in-law's employer.

"I got duh robe" mumbles Rocky

Meredith looks at him with a saddened, pitying expression, and, in that perfect sarcastic gravelly Meredith voice sneers: "Shrewd..."

4. Why are so many Hollywood movies so dopey? At home with Mojo Monday I caught about half of "The Truth About Cats and Dogs". Now I have to confess having something of a thing for Janeane Garofalo; I love her smart, snarky sense of humor and her dark, smouldering intense beauty.

I can't think of a man who WOULDN'T at least give her a moment's attention at a bare minimum. But for the entire picture to work she has to come off as a completely insecure dummy who won't level with Ben Chaplin (who plays the required hunk) about who she really is. The picture is clever and has a bunch of funny moments and Janeane is utterly, deliciously oofy, but that just made it all the more irritating because of the hokey premise.

When Steve Martin made his version of Cyrano at least he had the excuse of the freakish nose. But Garofalo is a luminous delight. The plot's insistence on her insecurity and fear makes her look stupid, and it's hard to be sympathetic with a dope. You just want to shake her character, and that, for me, just kills the picture.

5.

While we're on the subject of Hollywood and movies that don't tax your brain, Turner Classic ran a 1951 gem called "Take Care of My Little Girl", in which we are introduced to the lovely and frivolous "Liz Ericson", played by one of my more favorite classic Hollywood actresses, Jeanne Crain.

Callow Liz goes off to MiddleWestern U. because...well, a less kindly fellow might suspect it's to earn her "MRS" degree. Because she must, must, must pledge "Tri-U", the sisters of Upsilon Upsilon Upsilon being ONLY the most socially desirable, best dressed and popular girls on campus.

Oh, and they sing.

Of course, our little heroine's eyes are opened by the petty and vicious acts of her "sisters" and she ends up in the arms of "Joe" (Dale Robertson), the handsome senior who represents what my father, good Phi Kappa Psi that he is, would have called a "GDI". She returns her pledge pin and rejects the shallow, immoral lifestyle of the Greeks, with their chichi styles and their singing. Oh. Did I mention they sing?

Anyway, Jeanne is lovely, Robertson is manly, the slinky Jean Peters is delightful as the Eeeeevil Queen Bee of the Tri-Us (expand the picture above to really appreciate Jean's comittment to authenticity in her pictures: the shot is a publicity still from her first feature, the utterly awful "Captain from Castile". As terrible as the picture is, Jean is terrific, and note the genuine 16th Century leg hair on Jean - she's wild and positively woolly. And this in the Fifties, mind you, when it was every American woman's duty to shave, pull, depilate, slash and burn every single exposed follicle - God forbid that one of the Mad Men or Cocktail Nation Weenies got the idea that women had, y'know, like, actual body hair!) and the whole thing is good campy fun on the way to being a "scathing indictment" of the campus Greek system.

So "Take Care of My Little Girl" is a total hoot without being as irritatingly dumb as "TTAC&D". Catch it if you can.

6. It's sad to admit, but when it comes to pumpkin pie, the recipe I still like the best is on the inside of the freaking Carnation evaporated milk can.

It's a goddam 1950's artifact (and evaporated milk has got to be the Devil's diaper gravy, anyway, right?) and combined with frozen pie crust has GOT to be bad for you. But I love the stuff. It's memories of childhood autumns in Chicago with the cold wind whirling the fallen leaves outside, cider and pumpkin spices and a warm woolen blanket and "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" on the black-and-white TV inside.

None of my kids or Mojo likes the orange squash as pie. So I am forced to make the whole thing and eat it myself.

Sad, really. But in a good way.

7. Cats must have very odd little minds. Nitty has been sitting next to the laptop (enjoying the hot fan exhaust, I suspect) licking herself with concentrated effort for a solid ten minutes. And yet, I've seen her unable to do the same thing for more than a second or two. It's like there are two cat brains in there; one with an infinite patience and painstaking attention to detail, the other like a dandelion puffball. You never know which one is in charge at any given moment.

8. I wish that all those ads using scantily clad, painfully thin women to sell stuff would just come right out and say what they want you to think will happen if you buy their crap. Like this (Warning - NOT safe for work!):

Note that the original image went viral on the Internet, long story. But is this all that much skeevier than one of those commercials where the guy puts on the cologne or takes the "male enhancement" or gets the new car or whatever and is suddenly attacked by women who want to have his babies?

I think that Mennen or Enzyte or Accura should just do a spot that has a naked woman rubbing their product on her body (difficult with the Accura,I know, but bear with me) as the voice-over says: "Our product will make women have sex with you, regardless of how disgusting you are." Fade to black.

No shit, if I was 16, I'd have gone out and robbed a bank to buy an Accura. Robbed a fucking bank. I'm totally serious.

9.

Why is rain so enjoyable to watch and soothing to hear, yet the moment you're caught out in it, it sucks enormous pipe?

Oh, and, for the record? When we set out the new rain barrel, Mojo looked it over and noted the attachment to feed a second barrel in series. "Who needs two rain barrels?" she quipped.

Second day of rain?

Barrel's full.



10. I finally got to watch the last half of the U.S. Women's National Team vs. Brazil in the Olympic gold medal game. Tragic. Tragic. I usually love Julie Foudy as a color commentator, but for this game I kept hearing her going on and on about what a back-and-forth game it was, and how the U.S.'s grit and will to win were keeping the game so close and kept I looking at the screen and thinking, Loudy, you have GOT to stop drinking sterno, it makes you babble and you can't see for shit.The Samba Gals knocked us on our ass, and only inhumanly great goalkeeping and pure damn luck kept them from winning in regulation time. The U.S. lost the game in the 71st minute only Hope Solo stuck out a hand. For 90 minutes the Brazilians were robbed, denied, unrewarded for their great play...soccer can be a cruel game sometimes, and this was one of the times.

There were two teams on the field that night two months ago, a good team and a great team and they both won a medal. But the team that won the gold wasn't the great team and the medal the great team won wasn't the gold.

Extra Credit. I couldn't resist: here's our own Doctor Farley, "accredited Apocalypse Specialist", to help us through the coming economic hard times. Hat tip to Bob Lefarkins of Lawyers, Guns and Money. Ahem:

Dear Dr. Farley,

In view of the impending financial distress, I'm worried about my cats. Should I stock up on cat food, or will it be available in post-apocalypse America?

Thanks,

Worried in Dubuque


Dear Worried in Dubuque,

No. You should concentrate on stocking up on firearms, clean water, and canned goods. Cat food will most certainly not be available in post-apocalypse America; any housecats will only be a drain on your resources. Your cats should be eaten at the first opportunity, followed by the eating of any surplus cat food. Most such food is edible by humans, and while you may be tempted to "fatten up" your cats, much of the energy in the cat food is lost when its eaten by the cat.



Yike!

But, hey - my wife is Christmas shopping. Christmas! Shopping! In October! And has rearranged the interior of the refrigerator! What does this mean? Is it the Apocalypse? Is she bored out of her skull after having been home sick for a week? Are they the same thing?

Strange week.

Strange.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Wednesday Random Ten

So, okay. I'm gonna stay the hell away from politics and defense subjects for a while until my idiot alarm stops going off. But that doesn't mean that there's no hot summer action around here, baby! Just a sample of what's going down in NoPo and elsewhere:

1. Inauguration of Astor Firing Center. This Monday saw the City of Portland recognize the blacktop play area behind Astor Elementary ("We skin knees!"), the formerly-derided "eyesore" and "kiddie wasteland", as the Rose City's first urban firing center/impact area.After years expending scarce city funds pursuing Portlanders exercising their God-given right to blow their hands and/or heads off expending illegal Washington State projectile-type fireworks, Mayor-Elect Sten signed the proclamation designating the asphaltic rectangle as the "Tre Arrow Memorial Astor Firing Center", commenting "Let the dumbasses up there in North vacuum their own goddam gene pool" and left City Hall in a huff immediately after detailing seven third-graders from Mrs. Pike's class to police up the dunnage left on the playground the day after this year's Fourth of July live fire exercise.

2. Garbo Talks! Little Miss said her first Official Sentence today: "No go tubby!" in response to Mojo's suggestion that her stanky toddler butt could use a scrubbing (up 'til now it's been single words and baby babble).

Girlfriend has also been working overtime to dispel the cultural stereotype of the compliant Asian girl, throwing some pretty impressive Level IV tantrums when family life doesn't break her way. She explained it in her second sentence: "I ain't no China Doll, homeslice, and I don't think those crunchberries are going in your cakehole!"

She's also figured out the First Cardinal Rule of Childhood: Brothers Are For Blaming. We've come to expect any competition for toys, affection, food to result in a scuffle, a wail followed by the arrival of an adorable toddler, chubby finger thrust out in a wordless cry of "J'accuse!", accompanied by a torrent of condemnatory babble featuring the Peeper prominently.

Example: "Shea-shea da na baga na die gaka!" (Translation: Shea-shea is a dirty rotten little bastard AND he's got my Army bear! Kill him! Kill him now!)

3. It's Gasoline! It's Pizza! It's two, two, two treats in one! No, it's not. It's just pizza.But it's good-ass pizza! Next time you're in St. John's, try Signal Station for the St. John's Combo with a limonata and tell'em the Chief sent ya!

4. Another Brick in the Wall: Peeper in Full-day Kindergarten! After a delay of over three months, Portland Public Schools announced that The Student Known as Peeper was accepted to Mrs. Thompson's class of full-day kindergarten at Astor School.Yaay! His parents, elated, informed the newest Astor Eagle and the Peeper was wildly excited by the news for approximately ten minutes, between the last of the chocolate milk and his departure for scootering.

5. Books on Film: New in Entertainment! The past week saw a couple of debuts in the Fire Direction Center. First, the ever-indispensable Teacher Reena babysat and let the Happy Couple do dinner (at Equinox) and a movie at the Laurelhurst. For braving the stick floor and pricey beers they took in an odd little movie: "The Band's Visit". You'd think a flick built around a misdirected Egyptian police band and a desolate kibbutz deep in the Israeli Negev wouldn't deliver much.But on the strength of several terrific performances - and particularly on the movie's insistence to remain true to those of its characters whose lives are deeply, truly bereft - we truly enjoyed TBV and voted the flick into our personal Academy awards alongside "Cosi" and "The Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death".

Second, on the nightstand right now is Jasper Fford's "The Fourth Bear", a "mystery novel" if you can imagine a mystery where Philip Marlow has to figure out who killed Cock Robin and the Gingerbread Man is a vicious psychopath ("You can't catch me!"). This is the second of these "Nursery Crime Division" books I've read, and it's a fun, clever outing, full of sly humor and the skewering of detective fiction and police procedural traditions. It's worth a look, if you're searching for a light summer read...give the NCD a try.

6. Almost done! The Hateful Drywall in Missy's bedroom is almost done. Thank you, Baby Jesus.

7. Hit the beach. Sunny, hot days in the Willamette Valley mean lovely, cool misty days at the Oregon Coast.As bothersome as having to commute to Lincoln City has been, it did allow me to enjoy some of the beautiful days on the beaches of Road's End. This quiet little park is where the road from the Willamette Valley ended on the coast back in the day. The historical marker says that a pair of newlyweds humped over the Coast Range to honeymoon there in 1837, which must have meant wilted neckcloths and soggy crinolines but hopefully, like newlyweds throughout history, these hardy romantics were to busy discovering how all those Old Testament people did that stuff they got smote for to mind the drizzle.

8. Sudden Adult Brain Death Syndrome. I had a great subject for #8. Really. A genuine ass-tickler. But by the time I got here, it was gone. Vanished. Pouf. My mind was a complete and utter blank. It's stuff like this that makes me take my cod-liver oil in hopes of staving off the Alzheimer's...

Wait! I remember now! I was sorting through my bookshelf at work and came across "In Search of Ancient Oregon" by Ellen Morris Bishop and I wanted to mention it was one of the best, most readable, and beautiful! (the photos are worth the price alone) geology books I've ever seen. If you enjoy the Northwest, or geology, or just like picture books about the outdoors...check it out. Great, great stuff.9. Bad funnies will drive out the Good. While waiting on my drillers today I was reading the comics page in the back of the World's Worst Paper's "How We Live Now" section, what used to be called "Living", the flimsy paper ghetto where the O hides the celeb gossip, recipes, pet-of-the-week and entertainment news (i.e. what 86% of Portland actually reads the catbox liner for) and it struck me how exceptionally lame, weak and flat-out crappy the comics the O runs are. We're not talking "Cathy"-lame, but, Peanuts? Hey, guys? Sparky's DEAD. You can't be lamer than dead. Does anyone still read, care or give a nanoshit about "Garfield"? "Ziggy"? or "Mary Worth"?

The frustrating thing is that the comics page used to kick freaking ass like a crazy monkey. Check out this page in the original Dutch from "Little Nemo in Slumberland".

The daily comics used to have their crap back in the Twenties and Forties, too, but to balance it out you used to have great stuff like McKay's Nemo, Hal Foster's Prince Val, Will Eisner's The Spirit...

Now you seem to have all the Browne family and the dead hand of "Peanuts". No wonder the Japanese seem to have snaked all the cool comic ideas. If a nation can be judged on the state of its funny papers...uh oh...

10. And don't forget Wednesday cheap sushi night at Takahashi!

The only nightspot in Portland where your sushi comes by train and the tempura tai is to die for! I'm on my way right now...

I'm finding my way to a more zen-like place where the clamor of the national noise machine is dimmer and less aggravating. Hope you are, too. It looks like a pretty nice summer...

And that's all!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Wednesday Random Ten

This has been an odd sort of week. Not bad, especially, although I'm already weary of the cold and rain, and especially the early-falling dark. When I was in college these short winter days (especially what seemed like the endless early part of the second semester in February) were known as the "Dark Ages", and campus dorm life in the cold and rainy Lancaster winters was punctuated by the outbursts of frustrated rage announced from an opened window with profane intensity. Last night was rough, with children up at all hours, crying, icebags, sippies and medicines for near-fatal boo-boos...sigh... So my thoughts are sorta all over the place.
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How do you gently direct a little boy away from whining? Words don't seem to work, bribery just brings more whining, while punishment - though effective in halting the immediate whining - hasn't stemmed the general condition. Is this a "phase" that he'll grow out of? He's such a sweetie when he's not whining; if only he'd choose to take the long and whine-ding road less often...
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Watching a pet grow old is always difficult; these little souls don't see their own fate, so they simply live each day as best they can. But we do know, and to see Miss Lily sleeping more each day, to watch her struggle up the bedclothes where she used to leap without effort...every day a little death.
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I'm my father's son, and for me pets are pets, not "family". They're animals, friendly, companionable animals but animals all the same - I've always gritted my teeth at the term "furbaby". Having lost a real baby, the idea that these pets are "like a child" is...well, obscene is the term that comes to my mind. It's not that I don't understand how others can feel this way - I just don't share it. And that extends to the degree to which I consider pets "part of the family". I care for these small charges, but I would no more spend thousands of dollars for veterinary surgery than I'd fly across the Willamette by flapping my arms.
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And yet - as I grow older, I realize how many of these small lives I've outlived and regret the passing of every one a little more each time. I'm not sure, since I've lived with pets my whole life...but I wonder if there will come a day when I won't be able to live with a pet, simply because I won't want to outlive it?Honestly. Was there ever a more idiotic display of civic incompetence that Portland's tragicomic "Let's Rename Interstate Avenue" folderol? I can't imagine. The only thing I can think of worse than breaking all the rules of the process and pissing off the bulk of the stakeholders involved is breaking all the rules of the process, pissing off the stakeholders and then accomplishing exactly nothing. "City that Works" my ass: these people would make twelve monkeys fucking a football a miracle of orderliness and sanity by comparison.

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I see that the national political campaigns are busy hitting all the usual moron buttons: abortion, gay marriage...have we sunk so far that we no longer have a sense of what is important to look for in an elected official? More and more I think so.

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Well, they didn't quite manage to win Big Casino. But here's to the Grant boys' varsity soccer team, 2007 edition: two goals away from the state title. Great run, gentlemen. Well played.
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And speaking of soccer: also on my mind are the University of Portland Pilots women's soccer team. Again (thanks, NCAA!) forced to play UCLA on the road to the semifinals. It's like having the U.S. women's national team as your neighbors only without getting to see Cat Deeley mowing the lawn in an old wifebeater and torn-up boxer shorts. Good luck to this years' gals - GO PILOTS!
How can I be a good father to my son and daughter, a good husband to my wife, good teammate to my company, good citizen to my country and good person to the world around me? What if I have to choose one before the others? Who, and how, should I choose?
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Don't know why I've been thinking of this lately: this operator was killed when his excavator slid off a logging road in Tillamook County.I just remember looking down at what remained of his last moments on earth and wondered what it must have been like, a falling madness of noise and confusion, descending like Lucifer, towards the earth below..?
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On the other hand, some things on my mind are just purely fun; fluff, utterly impractical but fascinating. The lovely and useless display of the Third U.S. Infantry on parade; butterflies; hairribbons. "Girl Genius" is one. So is "Spirited Away", which I watched again last week and marvelled at the magic you can create with your hands, a brush and an imagination.
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Why is it that sometimes a seemingly minor task or obstacle seems immovable, while other times you find the energy to burn the topless towers of Illium? The samurai used to say that death was lighter than a feather, while duty was heavier than a mountain. To whom - and what - do I owe my duty? And, while we all owe time and the world a death, what should I do in life to make that final nightfall feather-light and silent, parting the veil of death like eiderdown wafted from an upturned palm, drifting up and over and beyond into the bourne "from which no traveller returns"?Who watches "Girl Meets Cowboy"? And is this the sort of thing that H.P. Lovecraft meant when he talked about what happens when you meet the Elder Gods in the face? Is it the Apocalypse? And does this mean that there won't be another season of Stargate: Atlantis?
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Something has been bugging me at a very low level for a long, long time. Why does it seem that our friends never just call us to suggest we do something together? We know lots of lovely people who live right around us: Millicent/Floyd/Thor of Different Dirt, our friends the Wilsons (Oscar the Ginormous Fish's family), just bucketloads of friends. But its like we never just get a call out of the blue from them asking us to go snowboarding, or to go to a Wiggles concert, or anything. Is it us? Okay, to be egotistic, is it me? Am I too much of a jerk to be around? Mojo? Are her teeny-tiny social needs an excuse for friends to sheer off? Are we no fun? Have we lost our dainty freshness; do we offend? What? For whatever reason, it kinda sucks, and I try not to dwell on this because to do so would be seriously depressing. I wish I could figure out how to change this.
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If love is all you need, what about chocolate?
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Vizzini: You only think I did, that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. Ha ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha ha-- [Suddenly goes stiff and falls over dead]
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Update 11/30: Far from being "all over the place", rereading this post I seem to be fascinated by death. Wassupwitdat? One more thing to think about...