Showing posts with label this IS sort of a daddy blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label this IS sort of a daddy blog. Show all posts

Monday, April 02, 2012

Scenes from a Marriage

One thing I never wanted this blog to be about was my domestic life; another damn daddy blog.

For one thing, I don't really have the ability to extract pithy or enlightening tales from my family or my marriage; we're just not really all that entertaining, I'm afraid.

For stuff like that you need to go over to Sweet Juniper! or Une Envie de Sel or the Salsa family's blog. They have the gift for making their daily lives seem unique, lively, and interesting to the casual visitor.

As Salieri says in Amadeus, from the ordinary they make tales of timeless magic, while I from gods and heroes can craft only the ordinary.

For another, why the hell would you be interested in the boring doings of a North Portland guy of no particular distinction?

But the thing is, the vast expanse of my days is taken up with the commonplace; sleep, working, kids, wife, home...all the small change of an ordinary life of a middle-class family in this corner of the Pacific Northwest. I try and write about the big things; love, war, death, taxes, soccer. But the actual life I live often contains very little of those matters outside the walls of my own skull. My days as they pass by are actually quite different.

So, for a change, I thought I'd take you through a couple of those days.

Last week the kiddos were on Spring Break, the bizarre anachronism left over from...what? There's no real reason for a week off from school in mid-spring - what would my employers say if I suggested we shut down the firm for a week because...well, just because?

Yeah, you're damn right they would.

But Spring Break it was, and fortunately my spawn are too small to want to swim upstream to Seaside or Fort Lauterdale and attempt to find adventure between mojitos and partial nudity. Instead my bride and I decided to take the famdamily over the Hill to the desert.

The first stop - because long drives and small children are listed as one of the things filed in Dante's Fifth Circle of Hell right next to simony and unnatural relations with breakfast foods - was partway up the Gorge; Bonneville Fish Hatchery.

Now fish hatcheries in general are one of those ideas, like Paul Ryan's budget and privatizing prisons, that sounded better in the concept than in actuality. But this hatchery has one ginormous attraction, and I do mean ginormous - Herman the Sturgeon.This being Oregon, where we understand that there are only two real irreducible elements for Life, sunlight and coffee, Herman has his own barista.The day was already drizzling rain - more about which later - so we paid just a brief visit to the hatchery and Herman the star sturgeon. He was a big 'un, alright. Remind me to tell you about the time Herm got fishnapped.We loaded back into Bob the Subaru station wagon and bored further up the rainy Gorge. I wanted to take the fam on the pretty drive along the old highway, so we got off the interstate in the little town of Mosier......with a bathroom-coffee-and-brownie-stop at the wonderful little 10-Speed Coffee Shop before heading up into the high bench to the east......and the Nature Conservancy's small reserve just west of the Rowena Loops.This gentle plateau was washed over - probably many times - by the great Ice Age floods that ripped through the Gorge throughout the Pleistocene. Dick Waitt has estimated as many as 60 of these "Missoula Floods" crossed the Channeled Scablands of eastern Washington, and many of them must have flowed over the top of the bench at Rowena, stripping the soil off the old Miocene basalt surface.

The rock forms an impervious surface, so in the spring the plateau is strewn with small ponds known as "vernal pools".The cold hillsides were also beginning to show the first wildflowers of spring, a hopeful color of the warmth to come. I walked slowly, as men with failing joints will, as my family ran on ahead of me into the chill showers. If you look carefully you can see them, far in the middle distance.Soon enough I was alone with the textures and sounds of the plateau in spring; the wind off the river, the cold smell of the dark rock, the liquid song of the meadowlark and the bree-donk of the blackbird warning intruders away from his pond below.Reality intruded soon enough, though with my little outrunners returning; the Boy, sullen, because his mother had forbidden him to dance along the edge of the cliff, my Bride, flustered and furious because of her son's defiance, and Little Girl, getting whiny as she grew tired and wet from a tumble. Definitely time for a rest.

So I carried her back to Bob, and we headed East; stopping first at the Dalles and then turning south - through Madras and Bend - to our destination at the cabin in the pretty little state park in La Pine.Up to this point it had been a pleasant enough trip, if one that included more than a hap'orth of driving. But Thursday night the weather closed in.I've spent a fair bit of time over on the dry side of Oregon in twenty years, and I don't scruple to say that the rain that arrived that night and continued on into the following day was as heavy as I've ever seen east of the Cascades.

It piss-poured.

The Bride and I looked at each other with the grim understanding of what it would mean to lack outdoors entertainment for two under-tens in a rustic cabin with the nearest toilets 200 feet away in the pouring rain.So, for the first time in many, many years, I bailed on a camping trip.

We repacked the car and headed back west. Stopping, mind you, for some adventures along the way; first, at the small "Nature Center" in the freakishly bizarre artificial "community" of Sunriver.Sunriver is hard to explain if you've never been there. It's completely planned. There's nothing organic, spontaneous, unregulared or natural about it. Even the lodgepole pines seem to grow less crooked within its confines.

It's entirely appropriate, to my mind, that it is located on the site of the old Camp Abbot, the WW2 Corps of Engineers combat engineer training post; the thing is an engineering artifact, all right.

The odd thing is that it's very scenic, in its plasticine way. I just wouldn't want to live there; it's all waaaay too much the sort of place that appeals to a litigator from Bend or a real estate broker from Salem. I'd got berserk eventually and do something deranged - drag-race the golf carts out at the Tiger Woods Golfateria, reverse all the signs at the Sunriver Shopping Plaza - just to upset the nice, orderly, well-organized smugness of the place.We left Sunriver and drove north through Bend - I'm always glad to bypass the hectic business of that place because it reminds me of what a pleasant place Bend used to be - to Smith Rocks outside Terrebone.

Mojo loves this twisted hoodoo, and so she and the Boy galloped off in the lessening drizzle as little Miss and I sat in the docent's yurt and talked about arrowheads and wild lands and civilizations vanished long ago.Then the hikers returned, we all took a last look at the wet and chilly desert, and then returned home.So there we were, back in Portland instead of out exploring the wilds; what were we to do?

Well, I'll tell you.

First, after a slow sort of morning - and at home on weekends or holidays most mornings are slow; the Boy and the Bride are late, late risers, so Miss and I usually sit and chat or watch her beloved Little Ponies - I took the kiddos out for an indoorsy sort of adventure so Mojo could exercise, read, and sew.

We went to Guardian Games for Pokeman swag, got some lunch, and then played arcade games at our old standby for rainy days, the "Wunderland" arcade down on Belmont. That afternoon the Boy got to stay home and play his PS2 video game - a rare treat for him - while Mojo, Missy and I went to the kid yoga class at our Kenton library.This was a bit comic because young Miss is cultivating the whiny attitude of an older kid. She fussed and bitched about going to this thing from the moment we told her we were going until the moment we went into the little room at the back of the library.At which point she frolicked like a young lamb. Contrary child.

My bride then returned the favor; she took the kiddos so I could go to the Timbers match against Real Salt Lake.It was a chill, spitty night, and the Boys weren't really on form; after an ugly and pointless first half our young midfielder Darren Nagbe slotted home two lovely goals - the second really was a gorgeous thing, real highlight-show stuffto put the home side up 2-1 with no more than 20 minutes to play. We thought we would take the full three points at home.But we couldn't hold.

The visitors drew level a minute from time, and then a third goal deep in injury time sent them off winners and left the Timbers, and us supporters, gutted. It was a brutally ugly end to a tough match.I've said this before - soccer is a cruel, cruel game. We stood stunned in the rain, still singing, but with the special twist in the heart that comes from watching a win carelessly booted away.

And what made it harder is that we'd seen it before; in fact, we'd seen almost this exact scene before the previous season when the loathsome New York Red Bulls came back from a goal down to win in the dying minutes.That kind of match is the kind that mirrors all the other disappointments, large and small, in life itself; the broken heart, the broken bone, the broken promise. Every damn time life kicks you in the ass, from the trivial to the wrenching.

And, really, you only have two choices; to give up, to carp and whine, or to continue to hold up the emblems of your faith and sing, sing in your faith and in hopes of a brighter day to come.And, of course, the next day does come, and with it, small girls debating frilly dresses with their mommyor kiddos having cart-pulling fun at the bounteous Portland Nursery garden storebringing home their mom's green shoots; curry and basil, flavored with - what else - the rich dark elixir that warms up a rainy Portland day.And we had done all we needed, so we went home.

To spend the closing hours of Sunday reading, to play games together, to plan garden beds (my bride and I), to do laundry, to sweep the floors, to watch television, to cook dinner, and then to read bedtime stories, and tuck in to beds.

And that's the sort of thing that the main of my life consists of.

That's it.

Nothing grand, nothing dire, nothing great, or picturesque, or memorable. No deeds of note or acts worthy of record. Just the pattering of the passing days, family life played calmando, sometimes in a minor key, perhaps; sometimes strident, sometimes dull, at times very little, at times overmuch, but always a song that sings of my work, and my home, and my beloveds, and the place on Earth where they all come to rest.So when this place remains unchanged for a day or so...that's where I am - in that other world, singing that other song, passing the quiet days in unexceptional ways behind the white picket fence off of McKenna Avenue, where the streetlight casts it gibbous light on the sleek black night-street outside.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Crime and Punishment

I was not happy when my cell phone started singing as I was heading south on I-205.

The early dark had caught Portland's evening rush hour in a rain-slick chaos of a Tuesday.

For all that we here get a tropical hundred-some inches of rain every winter we are really terrible drivers in it; speeding, tailgating, and weaving between lanes in a contemptuous hurry. Familiarity with the slippery roads breeds insurance claims, and I really wasn't in the mood to talk both because of the difficulty of the business at hand and the long day of cold, wet work I'd had.But the curse of the cell is that you're tethered to it; everyone knows you have one, and you can no longer pretend to be unable to respond every time some trivial crisis reaches for your collar.

But as soon as I flipped the phone open I realized the crisis was a different sort.

"Can you speak to Missy?" my wife asked in her you-don't-really-have-an-option voice.

"Sure." I replied, canny husband that I am, and was rewarded with the sound of a tiny, hiccup-sobbing little voice in my ear as some jackhole cut into the lane a half-chrome-bumper-plating-layer-thick width in front of me.

"I'msosorryDaddyIdidn't..." was all I could make out of the confusion of little-girl hysteria.

"Calm down, sweetie," I said, looking over my shoulder as I slid to the right into the vacant travel lane, "...and tell me. What happened?"

Out of the incoherent kidspeak - instantaneous translation is one of those parenting skills they don't tell you about in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" - I sussed out the tale. Little girl had done something unforgivable to something of mine and was now terrified to collapse by the fear of parental vengeance.

"Do you still love me, Daddy?" she asked between sobs.

One of the least-appreciated parental skills is the ability not to laugh at inappropriate times. Missy's fear was a live thing to her, for all that it might seem silly to me after fifty years of living and the hard knowledge of real wrongs done and forgiven. She was really terrified that I might love some object associated with me more than I loved her.

"Sweetie, I will ALWAYS love you. Always." I tapped the brakes to avoid an overloaded panel truck weaving ominously in and out of the center lane to my left "I might not be happy with what you did but I will never stop loving you."

I paused to let a gust of hiccuping pass and then asked the question that had been on my tongue since the phone rang;

"What DID you do?"

At that point I was transferred to my son, who explained that his little sister had drawn a beard and other additions on a picture I had stuck up on the refrigerator."It's really funny, it was wrong, but it's also kinda funny, but she's really, really sorry, Dada..." he expanded for his erring sister.

"Okay. Let me talk to your sister."

"Missy, sweetie, it's okay. I still love you. I will ALWAYS love you. Just ask next time, okay? I don't like when you take things without asking. But that will never make me not love you."

The assurance seemed to have its effect, as her sounds lost their bereft quality. By the time I closed the phone all I heard were small sniffles.


Where did we get this terrible power? What strange need in the human heart grants a man of average mind and no particular gifts the ability to reduce a little girl to helpless grief over some silly, trivial sin for no better reason than because they are father and daughter?

We sail so thoughtlessly through our emotions, these loves and likings, the complex shoals and deeps of need and desire, hope and hatred, freedom and dependence that we don't often stop and contemplate the ocean we sail upon. At least, I usually don't.

Until the brokenhearted crying of my little girl makes me look around me and marvel at the broad and mostly unexplored distances of that vast and perilous deep.

We have no charts to the passages of the heart.


When I finally walked up the night-wet steps to the door this was affixed under the knocker:My bride looked up from her book as I passed through the doorway reading this plea for forgiveness obviously penned for my daughter by her brother. Mojo frowned at me as I grinned at the amanuensis' addendum - "I still think that it looks funny" (I detected the likelihood that the smaller child had been led into temptation by the larger...)

"She really was very worried that you wouldn't love her anymore. They just went to bed. You might check on her and see if she's still awake and let her know everything's OK."

So I went softly barefooted down the darkened hallway to Missy's little shed-roofed room at the back of the house. The small figure was cuddled inside a muddle of pink little-girl blankets and stuffed bed-friends, and the cheek that was half-covered by a sheet of nightblack hair was warm and smelled faintly of her beloved strawberry "Pixie Hollow" shampoo. The skin under my lips was very soft. I ran one hand over her head, marveling at the rich complexity of this small person that life and Fate had brought here and to me.

"I love you, sweetheart, and I always, always will."

From somewhere deep in dreams she must have heard, because a tension I hadn't even noticed before went out of the small shoulders. She sighed and settled back into her pillow, and her lips curved ever so slightly upward.And I left her smiling into the silence of her darkened room.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

A crown and 205

Finally!

I've been stuck at about 206-207 pounds for a week now, and yesterday I got on the scale and I've broken that weight all the way down to 205. Yay!The only downside is I can't have a candy bar to celebrate.

By way of contrast, here's Missy's friend Barbie, who has never had a weight problem, the skinny bitch.Missy was taking pictures of her Barbies and managed to capture this image of the loneliness of beauty, a crown without a princess;I think the girl has a gift for this photography stuff, neh? So here's the little fairy princess her ownself complete with her own crown - certainly she understands the danger of beauty and the beauty of danger.That's it - just a little bragging and some Barbies. I warned you that this would be a daddy blog every now and then, didn't I?

Oh, and I wanted to post something about this whole "losing weight" thing and the one real oddity I've noticed. But that'll be for later.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Alien

Dark was arriving as I did, spilling from the cluttered eastern horizon in the mazy, distracted way the company truck turned onto our little street.

Amherst Street looked like it always does in late December; wet, grimy, sullen, waiting discontentedly for the arrival of the deep cold of January. My mood fit the weather; the nasty intestinal bug I was fighting was griping hard and I had just learned that I would have to cover some construction work the next day rather than lie in bed feeling sorry for myself. I trudged up the steps in a fairly foul mood.

Getting inside and warm helped. So did finding the house fairly tidy, and what wasn't I was able to neaten fairly quickly. I have a real aversion to dirty dishes in the sink, why, I have no idea. It may be the white-trashy-ness of it; I look at a heap of silverware and sticky plates and glasses and a line from an old Dan Jenkins book comes to mind - "What with all them dishes in the sink there weren't no place to piss."

So I emptied the dishwasher and put the dirty dishes in it.I started the water for pasta noodles. Even though I was on water-and-saltines I wanted to make some comfort food for the family, and home-made macaroni and cheese is the most comfortable comfort food I know. Mojo and the littlies came ramping up the steps as I was melting the sharp Tillamook cheddar and stirring in the little multicolored radiator noodles, The Peep all noisy and excited, Little Miss crying from a fall on the way to the door. So there had to be hugs and kisses for owies and ice and a bandaid before I could serve up the dinner and sit down to listen to the stories of the day.

(One of these being Mojo's dire tale of taxes owed. Honestly, how the hell do people make any money as "contractors"? But that's another story...)

Mojo sprawled, Peeper lept to the computer to play games, and Missy puttered about, fairly happily, I thought. Until...

She ran spraddlingly into the kitchen where I was making her some toast-and-peanut-butter (sharp cheddar having not tempted the preschool palate) and whined for juice. I informed her that she'd have to eat some dinner before she had more juice. She sat on the floor and drummed her feet. Juice! No juice, I replied. I want daddy! she whined; I'm right here, darlin', making your dinner, I replied.

And the crying started.

Who would have thought that such a little girl had such water in her?

She cried while I made her dinner. She cried while I picked her up and sat down with her at the table. She cried while she asked for her mommy, and then all the time her mommy held her. She cried as she said she felt sick, cried as I got her a little cup of children's tylenol, cried as she reluctantly sipped a smidget and made faces as the medicinal tast. She cried as, my head pounding, I went to lie down in the dark bedroom for a moment. She cried when, frustrated and feeling ill, I got up ten minutes later and emerged, snarling, to pick her up and take her into the bathtub.

And then she stopped.

She clambered happily into the tub, played delightedly with me, with the bubbles, with her toys. Crowed with joy as we played "Daddy's Hand Critter" that was poisoned when it touched the bubbles on her forearm and went into shrieks of laughter as the hand-monster writhed in it's toxined death throes.

Finally exhausted, no longer able to fight off the sick-tired I went to bed. But little girl was still chirping happily as her mom got her into her jammies, read her story and stumped down the hallway to her bedroom. She's sleeping quietly as I type this.

We live with these small people, these little appendages of ourselves, every day to where we think we know every bit of them. Not that we, if we're honest with ourselves, think that we control them - every waking moment is a game of put-and-take, an exercise of power versus craft, that mutates as they grow and learn. But I think we tend to fall into a sort of careless presumption that we understand these children and can figure out their thinking.

And then something like this happens.

I have no idea why that little girl cried for an hour. Perhaps she doesn't, either. But it just reminds me that the is and always will be a part inside of my children's heads that remains alien to me. Much as I love them, try as I do to understand and be part of their lives and thoughts; that there is a universe within that little girl's small head, under that raven-wing hair that tangles so quickly, that I can never fully share. When those bright eyes look out at the world, whether squinting with laughter or wet with tears, they open onto a world I can never completely enter.

We spend our lives trying to know and anticipate the world around us. And to a great extent we can and do. But the most important parts of that world - the people we live with and love - will always retain a central core where we cannot go and will not understand.I love my little alien child.

But I will never truly know her the way she knows herself.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Parting the Ways

It's been over three years that I've been doing this blog thing. And all that time this place has been very...schizophrenic.

One day it's a daddy blog. Then it's political. Then there's a post about the military, or about MY time in the military. I tell stories, or post pictures, or opine about religion and politics and all sorts of this and that.

But in the past half-year or so I've been dividing my time between this place and the gang over at the MilPub. And I'm finding more and more that my political and military posts are appearing there. Which is appropriate, since it is a political and military blog. But then there's still this blog over here...and some political stuff still shows up here. But then...and...what about...

So here's the thing.

I think it's time to make the split official. To make this blog a personal place for my own ideas and opinions. And to make MilPub the place where I talk about politics and military subjects.

Mind you, I was a GI for 20 years - I still think about military subjects on my own time. So you can still find my Army stories (including the tales from the Sinai) and the "Decisive Battles" posts here. Commentary on current events, political and military policies, however, will appear at the other site. And GFT will continue to feature the wild variety of entertainment you keep coming back for, whether it's Hello Kitty bling or Osama Bin Laden kulfa balls.Sound like a plan?

Glad we got that straightened out.