Comp-ney, Atten-shun!
At ease.
Okay, listen up. Coupla things here.
First.
I am going to say this One. More. Time. and then I am going to simply lay back and await the next time one of you fucking heroes comes into my company area with "Stop the Steal" swag or I catch talking about martial law and then I am going to do to you what the wolf did to the farmer's wife when he caught her airing her unmentionables in the breeze and I promise you that you will not like it.
Look, people.
We had an election. If your people lost, I'm sorry. Too bad, so sad.
That's what fucking happens in a fucking democratic republic!
If y'all think back to when you were teeny tiny little baby soldiers, all cute and fluffy with all that facial hair like a fucking Nineteen Eighties porn star, and you raised your hand and swore to defend something against all enemies, foreign and domestic?
Remember that shit?
That thing you swore to defend was a Constitution, and it pretty much says straight out that We the People get to vote.
What it didn't say is that the people you like have to win that vote.
If it did, we would be Commieyunist Russia or Red China, and I know as the outstanding U.S. Army airborne soldiers you are that you would not want to fucking be that.
So.
Stand down, heroes. You'll get your chance in another four years, Gawdhelpus, and until then I expect you to shut up and soldier, and yes, I know that you've been hearing that shit from general officers, too, and that reminds me, what did I tell you about what happens when you cross general officers with gorillas, Sergeant Echevarria?
You get retarded gorillas, that is correct!
General officers, both as individuals and colectively, know about as much about electoral politics as a fucking cow knows about the fucking Council of Trent and no, Specialist Black, I will not explain that for you. That is what The Google is for as opposed to using it to search the phrase "Mila Kunis nude".
So do not come to me quoting general officers on electoral politics unless you wish me to consider you poorly educated and as gullible as a baby duckling. I would be morally and emotionally devastated if that were to happen.
I trust I need go on no further about this damn electoral nonsense.
Second.
I understand that there are certain elements in this formation who have had issues with the latrine facilities.
People, listen up.
We are still working under the "sequester" and yes, Specialist Black, I recommend you look that up on The Google, too.
We are issued a fixed number of rolls of DA-issue toilet paper per quarter. No more, no less.
This is based, and I have pursued this in-quiry all the way up to Division G-4, mind you, on a scientifical algorithm specially crafted at great time and expense by a civilian contractor of the Department of the Army that has calculated to the microgram how much used food you people are expected to deposit in the latrine holes per quarter.
Therefore, if you have exhausted the company's issue of toilet paper before the end of that quarter, then clearly the problem is that either, one, you have not been correctly trained in the use of DA-issue toilet paper, or, two, you are full of shit, since the nice gentleman at G-4 explained to me in excruciating fucking detail that the algorithm cannot possibly be wrong.
Therefore, I can provide this company with a block of instruction on the correct use of the DA-issue toilet paper, if you believe that will solve the problem.
Or this company will have to solve this problem for themselves.
You will note that I am not - repeat NOT - suggesting that individuals in this company might just happen find themselves in the Alpha Company area while in the possession of a capacious item of apparel such as a duffel coat capable of secreting several full rolls of toilet paper in such a way as to elide the notice of the Alpha Company CQ while exiting the billet and company area.
That would be an underhanded suggestion and would certainly not please a certain First Sergeant whose infantry company has a reputation for being...remind me of the term, Staff Sergeant Harder?
Yes, I believe the term is "irritatingly swollen-headed little cockbites".
Until then I will continue to consult with Brigade about this issue.
Are we clear?
Good. That is all.
Comp-ney, Atten-shun!
Platoon sergeants, take charge.
2 comments:
Gawd, that was lovely!
This may be my favorite one yet. I was "in charge" far far away from the flagpole when the whole hanging chad thing went down. As this was pre-Internet on ships all we had was the AP/UPI wire that came though about daily. As it dragged on I encouraged they crew to be patient and let the "system" do what it was designed to do.
Post a Comment