So this week the Boy jumped the low bar that is U.S. high school graduation.
I don't want to low-rate him. He did what he needed to do, so good on him.
The difficulty is...what now?
A high school diploma is the bottom-line of any sort of employment. He's not going anywhere exciting with that. And he's gone nowhere outside ten miles of his North Portland home for eighteen years. He has no idea what's out there.
The saddest part was that after his graduation, while his pals were hugging and taking selfies, he was walking home, alone, with his mom and sister and me tagging along behind,
I honestly don't know what to do.
He's going to do whats he's going to do, and I have no idea how to change that.
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Military? Religious order, Apprenticeship? Band? Team sports? Post-secondary education?
Farm labourer? House painter? Artist? Writer? Philosopher?
Lots of possibilities.
There ARE lots of ways he could go. The thing is...he doesn't seem interested in any of them.
The Boy is...a singular sort of guy. He's always sort of been hard to read, and I've never figured out his "keys". What does he want? He's not financially ambitious (tho he'll work for pay, if it's offered). He has no obvious passions outside his shooter games (and we've talked about professional gaming, but he's not really about the sorts of games that the pros play, and he's not diligent enough to put in the time to get good at them). He doesn't seem to crave the companionship of women. He doesn't seem all that curious about the world outside.
The other evening I put in the suggestion that he might THINK about looking into possibilities of getting out of his little patch. He dismissed uniformed service out of hand. But he also didn't seem all that excited about any- and everything else.
Right now (this is Sunday morning 6/13) he's off visiting his two remaining high school pals (that have been his friends since elementary school). They're both kind of spuds - one is REALLY spudly, a kid who barely scruggled through the easy wallow that is public high school and is fated to be some sort of local turnip-truck driver, if that - and neither seem to have any ambition to go or do anything, either.
Point is...there seems to be nothing that will lead, and he's impossible to drive, to anything beyond the sort of aimless life he lives now.
I realize that I can't prevent his failure to launch. But his mom frets constantly about that, and I sure wish I could do something to help with that.
Anything really piss him off? A prof of mine always said that love for a topic only goes so far, but hate can really carry a person.
But ya, I hear you. I can also understand your son. I spent 12 years trying to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Thus I took 4 years of university taking math (because it closed fewest doors). Then travelled the world for a year and then spent 7 years getting my masters in computing cause it seemed likely to end up giving me a lunch ticket. Of course, I could do that because as a reserve solider (and later sessional lecturer) I could make ends meet while going to school.
That option has now closed. I don't think the numbers work out in ones' favour anymore. And getting student loans is a mug's game, I think.
I wish I knew what to suggest, Chief.
My boy is 26 now and I was worried about his possibly spudly future, but he turned out to have some facility with design and CAD software - he did draw the line at being an engineer by flaming out academically halfway to that point, but he is now getting by with part time jobs with one small firm or another and we did get him launched.
He likely won't set the world on fire but he is independent and productive and stays out of trouble, like most people.
I'd like to think that every child has some positive talent or drive towards something they discover early to animate and direct them, but that isn't true... I don't think I had much of that myself when I was The Boy's age, I bumbled around in post-secondary discovering things I could not do and didn't want to do.
It was service in uniform that helped me put some things together and gave me some practical experience in dealing with and living with other people, and showing me what I could do.
Certainly the service is not for everyone, but it is an old saying that experience of any type is cheap at any price... maybe a gap year of unskilled work could help to sort things out for him, my dad was pretty forward at suggesting the hod n' hammer when I was waffling about things.
Yeah...I desperately want him to try SOMEthing, anything, that will get him out of here and show him more of the world. I'm worried that if he doesn't try that now he won't, that he'll find some low-rent jobs and just scuffle along. I agree that the student loan route is a trap, and I'd like for him to at least take some community college courses to keep his hand in the academic game. But...
The thing is, it's his world. I just live in it. And his is an inward-looking, flat-affect sort of world - not sure if it's him, or just the place he's in right now.
But I also agree that the world is a less forgiving place than it was when we were young, Ael; the option to spend all that time looking around was largely because the prices of the places we were looking (like university) weren't jacked through the roof. We COULD make our way working part-time with some reserve Army pay. I'm not sure he's got that option.
I'd just like to see some interest and curiosity out of him, though. I kinda hate seeing him so slouchy and sliding through on his ass.
Know any plumbers or house painters looking for summer student help?
Nothing like working with your hands to give your mind an opportunity to think about stuff.
I kept thinking about this today... I take what you are saying about his inward-looking, flat affect world; that doesn't sound so uncommon among some adolescents, who I seem to recall are often self-absorbed to a fault and think they are "above" emotion somehow.
I was rather like that myself, once.
But he is not completely cut off from people.
I thought, where and from whom does he seek approval and acceptance?
Does he have online friends he plays and talks with?
Who influences him, who suggests what he should play next?
And what are they like?
Perhaps not all of them are so schlubby.
And you are right, the world is a less forgiving, higher speed and far more expensive and inequal place than what we grew up in, and far more fragmented too culturally socially and politically.
But we still love our kids and want them to grow up and do well.
Brian
My nephew graduated, school only had 13 National Merit Scholars this year. He’s semi motivated but doesnt really know what he wants to do. Interested in science and politics, but it’s TX… texted me a selfie with him and Beto this weekend.
His sister, whose class had the highest number of NMS in US history, went straight to Starbucks and is almost done with their free ASU remote school. Is often mistaken for a singer idk. She’ll be ok. Her older brother flunked out of college, has a real estate license but in a super tight real estate market most of his income is as a caddie. Caddied a foursome with Obama, mayor and football stars last year. Healthy, active, but poor and not ambitious. I need to learn Venmo.
I helped raise 3 of my cousins’ boys. The now thirty somethings are doing well in money/marriage/partner but a bit aimless.The younger lived with me thru a couple of serious mental health episodes. Spent most of his time gaming with friends 3000 miles away but worked when able without complaint. Now on a yacht crew and happy, can make decent money for awhile, but long term...
As you said, we could meander. I did 7 years of college and had a blast for 5 of them.
I guess the key is the classroom wont be there, so there has to be something to get out to. Those part-time grueling jobs while in college was what made me think, “ok, enough of this shit, I’m smart enough to earn a white collar.”
Ael: The other night we pushed him into looking into trade internships/apprenticeships. We didn't get a hard no, but we didn't see a lot of interest, either.
Brian: He's got a lively online world where he and his pals interact. In fact, the one thing that drives me nuts is that the kid who can barely say two words IRL is an out-of-control chatterbox online - the last several years my life has had a soundtrack of my kid babbling, shouting, and screaming at his gaming screens (he has two; a deaktop setup in his room and an XBOX in the basement).
Unfortunately I don't really know anything about those online pals, other than one lives in Puerto Rico (and, no, kiddo, we can't afford airfare to PR unless you work to earn some of it..!)
Anon: I was one of those Boomer louts; went and got a BA, decided to have fun on Sam's dime so joined the Army - which in a weird way didn't do all the usual things but knocked a lot of the stupid out of me, so when I got out I was able to study and learn the way is didn't in my undergrad career - and then got an MS that helped me land my current job. But it also put me waaaaayyyyy behind my peers; I'm still grinding to make ends meet while the people who graduated with me in '79 are retired GS-14s living the fat retired life...
I know the Kid got screwed. But that's that, and he's got to get off his duff and start - he doesn't have to finish, but START - to figure where he goes from here. It bugs me that he doesn't seem to think he needs to do anything but eat, sleep, and game.
We're gonna have a come-to-Jesus talk today about what happens now. He's no longer "the kid"; he's an adult rooming in a house with two other adults, which means that while he's STILL our kid he's also become an adult tenant (in a joint where his name ain't on the lease...). Which means NOT annoying the roomies shouting at the XBOX at midnight. Which means picking up the slack doing what parts of the household work are yours...withOUT having to be nagged about it. Which means (if you're not going to college) job-hunting to bring in your share of food, rent, and utilities.
We'll see how that goes...
I think it’s reasonable to lay out options for the Fall and make him pick. I do also think any kid surviving the high school complex should get a summer off.
He can have a digital life but he needs an IRL. Apprentice, trade, community college, university, part-time, full-time dishwasher or any combination thereof - but American Hikikori in the fall is right out.
I would ask if he’s got any relatives he likes. Send him off for a couple weeks alone to get some second opinions outside his gaming life. We kinda had interventions with my cousins kids - not that he was a bad father, but among the large extended family there were influential peers/superiors.
One of them went Americorps at 17 and it really defined his course in life.
I hear you Chief, my kid had and has a lot of online friends.
I did get used to hearing half of a constantly running conversation from his room but it took a while (it was good he didn't scream or yell).
I guess the difference is that you parents have done your job in providing him his essentials - a place to sleep, food to eat, time and equipment to game - and some structure/stability, but like many adolescents he looks more to friends for reinforcement, approval and guidance (yes, often mis-guidance!).
I hope the come-to-Jesus talk went OK.
Anonymous, whoever you are, you make sense.
My only aedit to this is "Buy him a ticket somewhere far away and reasonably civilized"
Somewhere like Ulan Bator.
Dhu
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